In the same month the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed Proposition 8 as unconstitutional and in violation of the Constitution, the Court of Appeals ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage Act is in violation of Karen Golinski's right to equal protection under the law to provide health benefits to her spouse. One month earlier, the same discriminatory law, DOMA, was cited against me in my divorce proceedings by my now former spouse.
The irony of a lesbian citing the homophobic inequality laws of DOMA in a same-sex divorce is not lost on me, or to the many people who knew our history as vocal marriage equality activists over the years.
Divorce is the painful and difficult chapter of many marriages. The impact and fallout of divorces like mine, where the family roles include one that is a traditional stay-at-home parent and a "bread-winner" parent, the financial disparity between spouses weighs heavily. Thus, issues of fairness and the application of just legal decisions have great, lasting impact upon my life and the lives of our children. As a committed partner in a marriage of over 12 years, I made compromises and sacrifices when I chose to give birth to our two children. I put my career on hold and raised children in a traditional family dynamic as a stay-at-home mother.
What most people are just learning is that DOMA, still the law of the land across the country, does not only prohibit the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages, it also negatively impacts divorce proceedings in states that have same-sex marriage rights. In my divorce case, it is being cited to deny my right to equal financial relief of spousal support income that would be rightfully owed to me if I were a heterosexual person.
Divorce, like a family death, has touched my life in a very painful way. With the introduction of DOMA to the California Superior Court in my divorce case, I was told, in no mistaken terms, that I am not equal under the eyes of our federal government and my family is still a second-class citizen in this country.
Ironically, I am being confronted face-to-face with a discriminatory law impeding me and my children's rights to full equality, in a year when historic marriage equality advancements are being made in various states.
I've learned many lessons about marriage equality since saying "I Do" many years ago, in a legally recognized same-sex marriage. Marriage equality is so much more than a fight for the right to wed the person we love.
As same-sex married couples, we try to make our relationships work, raise our families together, share a home and our finances together, often with the additional unfair societal and economic restraints, especially as lesbians. And, as is the case for so many married people, often, larger-than-life situations interrupt that dream of maintaining a loving marriage and we find ourselves needing to part ways and dissolve our marriage and file for a divorce.
What we need to realize in our community, is that the struggle for marriage equality goes far beyond the right of marriage. It includes the right to go through the death of a marriage in a dignified manner, without having a homophobic law being cited to exploit an unfair economic advantage. Part of our larger struggle for equality is the basic right for all families, including my family, to be seen as equals under the law. Whether a family lives under a single household unit or in two households, whether parents are married or separated, we all want a more equitable and kinder world for our children to experience as equal citizens. When a same-sex marriage ends, and divorce proceedings are skewed by the introduction of DOMA, this is not the case.
For most of my adult I have been an activist for the rights of my community. As I go through my divorce proceedings, there is no way I would be able to look into the eyes of my children, knowing I was confronted with a discriminatory law, unless I at least tried to fight this unfairness of being treated as a second-class citizen.
My children, ages 7 and 3, are a piece of me. I am a part of who they are and who they will become. Whether we like it or not, they have now been thrown in to the same fight to be treated with dignity, respect and equality – a fight that I am willing to fight for them and their future.
I never want to see them have to fight for the equal rights of their children. That burden is on my shoulder today – just as my parents' generation fought for a better world for me and my generation to live in now.
This is what marriage equality is all about. I encourage all of us, whether partnered or not, to consider how we would treat our partner during a divorce and how we would want to be treated. To consider how unfair it is have our federal government look upon our relationships with prejudice, and how hurtful it is to have that discriminatory law brought into the final chapter of your marriage. We all deserve fairness within our legal system.
Esther Lee is a longtime San Francisco resident and LGBT activist.