That is a much more difficult question to answer than most people may realize. I have been with my partner Nicole, an active-duty Army officer currently on deployment, for nearly five years. When I sit down and think about it, the first few items that come to mind when I think about what repeal means are the most obvious and arguably the most trivial: I can post pictures of us together on Facebook, hold her hand when walking down the street, tell her I love her on the phone and actually hear it back, attend important events on post (promotion ceremonies, deployment, and homecoming ceremonies) without having to fear someone will suspect who I am and out Nicole.
But when I dig deeper I think of what it means for me in relation to my role as a military partner: I can be part of a family readiness group when my partner gets deployed, I can reach out to other military families and find support through our shared common experience of being in a relationship with someone in the military, I can volunteer on post – putting together care packages with the other partners and really feeling like I'm part of the military community. I can be the proudest date at the Military Ball, and I can rest assured that while the person I love is on deployment she isn't worrying about having to hide and lie in order to save her career – she can worry about important things like doing her job well and staying out of harm's way.
Looking back on what the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy has put us through is kind of like a bad dream. I remember bits and pieces of events that happened, things that were said and situations that caused us to panic, but mostly I remember the feelings associated with those experiences. I remember the first time I became hyper-conscious of the way I looked at Nicole. We were at a party and I found myself gazing at her dove-eyed from across the room. I had to tell myself to snap out of it and not be so obvious about my feelings for her; people can tell when someone is in love, which was a bad thing for us. I remember the first, second, and third time she got mad at me for flirting with her on her Facebook page. I remember being at a bar with Nicole and her ROTC friends and hearing every other word be "fag" – and having to bite my tongue and let it go; never in my life had I not stood up for what I believe in and this time I had to sit down and keep my mouth shut so as not to raise suspicion. I remember having a panic attack when someone posted a picture online of the two of us dancing together at a Halloween party, in the privacy of a friend's living room, and having one of my closest friends tell me, "Well maybe you two shouldn't be dancing together in public."
And I will never forget one of the worst times in both of our lives, when Nicole was investigated with one semester left before graduating and commissioning. Disenrollment papers were started because someone was jealous of her success and tipped off the colonel about the possibility that Nicole was a lesbian. She came home and cried on my shoulder every single night for two weeks. We had no idea what would happen – if she was going to be kicked out of her program and have to pay back tens of thousands of dollars in college loans with no degree and no job prospects, or if they were going to let her stay in and commission. After all, she was one of the most highly-ranked cadets in the country and boy, did she make her school's program look good. I don't think I have ever felt so completely lost and helpless. There was nothing I could do or say that would help to calm her fears. We were absolutely terrified and powerless. Her (and our) future was going to be determined for us at the whim of one man who could either decide to end a career and a promising future or allow someone who volunteered to serve her country, actually serve. In the end, Nicole was able to stay in and commission. As long as she watched herself and didn't get too fancy.
Now that I've met so many amazing people along my journey as an advocate, I know that we were lucky. Others' careers and lives were ruined; their children taught to lie at school, partners forced to speak in code over the phone and send pictures of people other than them in care packages so as not to raise any questions. Americans who dedicated their lives to serving our country were discharged, disgraced, and disowned, and sometimes in a moment of despair, took their own lives. Female service members, one that I know personally, were raped and forced to hide it because if they told, they would be outed.
It is important to remember what we as gay, lesbian, and bisexual people in the military community have been through, but it's also important to be able to look ahead of us and move forward with purpose.
In this moment, repeal of DADT also means to me that the partners and families of LGB service members can now seek out one another without fear of threatening our partners' careers. We can step out of the shadows and be recognized for the selfless service to our country that is the hallmark of every military family. I can proudly display Nicole's picture on my desk at work and proudly claim her as my soldier. And together, we can continue to support one another and to support those like us, hoping that never again will anyone have to go through what we went through and paving the way to build a better, safer and more equal future inclusive of everyone who wants to serve.
Ariana Bostian-Kentes is the president of the Military Partners and Families Coalition, a nonprofit organization founded in 2011 that provides support, resources, education, and advocacy for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender military partners and their families. MPFC is the first organization of its kind, focusing specifically on bringing together organizations that have a role in supporting the partners and families of LGBT service members in a post-DADT military. Bostian-Kentes works full-time as the program coordinator of the Spectrum Center, the nation's oldest LGBTQ center on a college campus, at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Her partner is an active-duty first lieutenant in the Army and is currently deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom.