"Hey, faggot. Stop throwing that ball like a girl."
"Put on a dress, lezzie."
"Where are you going, homo? To the girls' room?"
"Look at her. She even talks like a boy."
Ask most members of the LGBT community, and they can readily recall the cruel taunts they received in the classroom, on the playground, on the school bus, and in the street as if they occurred yesterday �" even if "yesterday" occurred 30 years ago. Most heal from these scars, but memories of being singled out and persistently picked on do not fade.
In fact, we hear the same old taunts today �" plus new ones. Forty years after Stonewall, we still have a lot of work to do to address the taunts, slights, pushes and shoves, constant ridicule: what we have come to describe as bullying. Mental health experts are now recognizing bullying's long-term effects. This summer, the American Academy of Pediatrics, will, for the first time, address the problem of childhood bullying when it publishes a policy statement on preventing school violence.
Bullying doesn't only affect children who are perceived to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. Any child who does not fit narrow definitions of masculine or feminine behavior �" or is not part of the dominant race, religion, culture, or appears different from the majority �" is an easy target. Approximately 85 percent of children are affected by it: as perpetrators, recipients, or witnesses. With the advent of electronic communications, the incidence of bullying has escalated into cyberspace, as our young people taunt through texting, Twittering, Facebook, MySpace, and other modern modes of communication.
Recent cases of bullying in other states highlight just how insidious and damaging it can be. A 17-year-old boy recently committed suicide after enduring harassment from classmates who repeatedly called him homophobic epithets and hit and shoved him. His parents are suing the school district in federal court for failing to protect their son adequately. A teenage girl also recently committed suicide after being taunted persistently about her appearance in e-mails from a girl posing as a boy.
In California, every school district is mandated to adopt a policy against harassment, intimidation, and bullying. This is important: the only way we can effect change on a macro level is through policies leading to systemic change. But for parents, educators, mental health professionals, and concerned community members who see our kids subjected to cruelty, it's hard to sit by and trust that the system will take care of everything without our intervention.
In fact, there are many things we can, and should, do. First, we must educate ourselves about the forms bullying takes.
There is a misapprehension that most bullying among boys is nothing more than roughhousing. This could not be further from the truth. Bullying always involves an imbalance of power (stronger versus weaker), an intent to harm, and a threat of further aggression. This is not roughhousing.
There is the misconception that girls do not engage in bullying. Research shows otherwise. Girls bully as often as boys; they just do it differently. While boys usually bully overtly (through name-calling, hitting, shoving, in-your-face taunting), girls generally engage more in indirect bullying (through sideways glances, betrayal of secrets, social snubbing, or the "silent treatment"). Girls' bullying often falls beneath the radar of adult attention, but it can be devastating.
The role of the bystander is critical. Recent studies of playground behavior reveal that the peers of youngsters who bully, as well as those who get bullied, are active onlookers in most bullying episodes. In 48 percent of the cases, they actively participated; in only 13 percent did they intervene to stop the bullying. They often don't take a stand because they are afraid of getting hurt, becoming targets themselves, making the situation worse, or because they have not been taught how to intervene. We can help bystanders become "upstanders" by giving them tools and strategies to make a difference. Acts as simple as standing next to a child being targeted and inviting a student to join in at the lunch table can make a huge difference.
So what do we do when we encounter bullying or, more likely, hear about it from our sons and daughters, nieces and nephews? If we witness it in the schoolyard, the best response may be to let an administrator know immediately. If teachers witness bullying, they may be in a better position to intervene. They should block eye contact, make it clear that "this is not the way we treat people at our school," help the student who has been bullied save face by not focusing on him or her, and meet with everyone involved separately. It does not, however, call for conflict resolution. Conflict, by its very definition, implies a balance of power between the parties involved �" and bullying resolutely entails a power imbalance.
In all cases, we must listen to our children carefully, keep the doors to communication wide open, convey the message that no one deserves to be treated badly, and that they do not need to go through this alone.
Like homophobia, bullying is pervasive. Through education and a systemic response in the schools that involves parents and the community, we can make the world a safer place for all children.
Gloria Moskowitz-Sweet, LCSW, PPSC, is the coordinator of the Parents Place Community Education Center in the Peninsula offices of Jewish Family and Children's Services of San Francisco, the Peninsula, Marin, and Sonoma counties, where she is also in charge of JFCS' Bullying Prevention Program.