The past year has been one of euphoria and deep disappointment for gay and lesbian couples. The greater recognition and respect for our relationships has been followed by an experience for some of being "voted off the island" when our marriages were subject to a popular vote. While many of us have worked hard to overcome the experience of growing up in a homophobic culture, the experiences of the last year have reopened these wounds for some of us and have caused increased stress in some of our relationships.
Did the Proposition 8 drama bring you closer to your partner or is it contributing to distancing? If you had a marriage ceremony, did it meet your expectations? If you and your partner experienced the ceremony differently, how are you communicating that to each other?
This Valentine's Day may be a good time to talk to your partner about how the politics of Proposition 8 has impacted your relationship. Do you introduce your married partner as your husband or wife? Notice what feelings come up as you do. Those feelings can be a window into how you are emotionally processing Prop 8. You may find it helpful to get together with other gay and lesbian couples and talk about your weddings and your feelings since the election.
The following practices, developed from years of working with couples, may help you deepen your relationship this year. They may sound simple, but they are proven effective.
A prescription for healthier relationships
Cultivate compliments. Compliment your partner on a weekly basis. If they look good in those pants, tell them. Don't keep it to yourself. It's not a state secret.
Celebrate being wrong. Practice saying the words, "I'm sorry" or "You are right." If these are tough words for you, then practice with something easy and work your way up to admitting big mistakes. These words are superfood for your relationship.
When they are so irritating, look inside. When your partner is extremely irritating that's a good time to look inside and listen to what is going on with you. Before you attack them for their annoying behavior ask yourself: Are you hungry? Anxious? Tired? Feeling especially vulnerable? Often it is about you, not them.
When you fight, take a time out. When you are fighting you are not communicating so it's very unlikely you'll reach a resolution. Give each other permission to call a brief "time out" to give each of you some time alone to calm down. You can walk around the block, take a bath, or listen to music. When you have relaxed the conversation will begin to resemble communication.
Before criticizing, try an "I statement." Instead of yelling, "You're a jerk for doing that," consider expressing how your partner's behavior makes you feel. Say "I feel ___ when you do ___." The advantage of this kind of communication is that you are the expert on your feelings – no one can debate your feelings with you.
Institute daily check-ins. Create a few quiet moments each day to sit down and check in with one another by taking turns to find out about each other's day. During this time the focus is on listening rather than responding to each other. One of you talks, the other listens, and then you reverse the process.
Feed the relationship. Take the time to honor and pamper your relationship. It's a real gift to give each other uninterrupted time. For some couples this means supporting the relationship with counseling before you feel you "have" to. For other couples it may mean going for walks or lying together on the living room couch.
And most of all, take care of yourself.
The best way to support your partner and to develop a healthy relationship is to attend to your own emotional and physical needs. If you do that well you will find it effortless to offer support to your partner.
Adam Blum, MFT, is a psychotherapist working with individuals and couples in his Castro private practice. For more information visit http://www.Adam-Blum.com.