With advance apologies to Kermit and the various hippies who've been recycling since the 1970s ... I have been green since I was three years old.
The mud pie factory I operated in the backwoods of northern New Jersey was the first compost pile in my neighborhood. I saved plastic drinking straws and the beer cans of my alcoholic relatives who slurred on Saturdays, and instructed my parents to find a recycling center. Whether they ever did, or tossed the fruits of my conservationist labor in the garbage after I went to bed, is still a mystery.
I am thrilled that the green movement and environmental consciousness are finally catching on in mainstream culture, but, as humans are so slow to learn, extremism is dangerous and, frankly, annoying as hell, particularly in San Francisco, where people will swear at you for driving a car, cough within 50 feet of a lit or unlit cigarette, or claim to be fatally allergic to scents of any kind. We denizens of the Barbary Coast live in a world of cultural extremism that is as frightening to me as any form of fundamentalist ideology, be it liberal witch or a conservative witch.
Green bags rock. I love 'em but, in our consumerist society, there are now hundreds to choose from and many people buy 10, 20 ... many with cutesy little slogans. These collections of green bags kind of defeat the purpose of the green bag to begin with. I own one Louis Vuitton Sac Plat shopping bag and, even though it cost a thousand dollars more than a green bag, it is built to last forever and I only have one of them. Sorry but I am greener than you. Nah-nah-na-nah nah!
Whenever a movement becomes fashionable, its shelf life is destined to wane. With something as important as saving the environment, a word to the slow-and-steady-winning-the-race should suffice.
I was having dinner at a small, family owned restaurant the other night. A slew of cyclists zoomed by, yelling into megaphones about cars, gas, and war. In other words, an average night in the Bay Area. One of the riders swung something and knocked down the restaurant's valet parking sign. I assume this was some sort of statement about cars. Does being environmentally minded give someone the right to kick other people's property over? But, I guess Critical Mass, that loosely organized group of cycling fascists, is allowed to do whatever they want. If I'd had a Hummer, I'd have run that little fucker down.
I have pretty strong feelings about Critical Mass. They're like mosquitoes ... small, but consistent, annoyances. Just when you think they've left for Burning Man, there they are: pedaling their Schwinns down the street, scowling, and shouting shit at people who, for the most part, agree with them.
Basically I think Critical Mass are a bunch of losers. And cowards. I know I am making generalizations, but generalizations are often generalizations because they are true. Like that one about writers being opinionated and narcissistic ... but back to Critical Mass. It's easy to stage evening-interrupting activities in the Bay Area, where people are very tolerant (read: afraid of confrontation) but, Critical Mass is preaching to a very tired choir. Most of us are already environmentally conscious, live simple lives, recycle, compost and live lives in some varying shade of green.
Why are they demonstrating here? It's cowardly and, a waste of energy. Go block traffic in Houston, or knock over private property in Wichita, and then come back to San Francisco and tell me about how you got your ass rightfully kicked across the entire state of Texas or Kansas.
My favorite kitsch store on upper Market displays 12 greens bags in the window, all with clever armchair philosophies such as "My Karma is better than your Dogma" and "I Care." One of them says, "I am saving the environment. What are YOU doing?" I am so sorry, but that is downright aggressive and rude. Why not just say, "I am better than YOU!"
I am having the same bag made on the Internet, my first "real" green bag, except the slogan will read, "I am being sanctimonious. What are YOU doing?"
Hopefully, going away.
David Ortmann is a San Francisco-based psychotherapist and author (www.dopsychotherapy.com).