Eat, sleep, work, play: daily routines. There are lots of things you probably do every day to care for yourself. How about coming out every day? For LGBT people, it's probably one of the healthiest things you can do.
You may be thinking: "What's this guy talking about? I am out!" For all the ways that is true, congratulations: being out is always an act of courage worth celebrating. Why? Because we still live in a world that includes homophobia and hate. Being out in that world means taking a risk, by standing up to bigotry and ignorance. LGBT people still get hurt, emotionally and physically, just because of who we are. Living in the Bay Area doesn't inoculate us from that, though it is easier here than in many other places.
Today (Thursday, October 11) is National Coming Out Day. It's an opportunity to reflect on the ways we may still be affected by living in a society where it is not always safe to be ourselves. That's what makes coming out a continual unfolding, an ongoing experience. Maybe you've told your friends that you're gay; maybe your family as well, and your co-workers. No matter who you've told, virtually every LGBT person I know still experiences moments of shame or fear.
Here are a couple of examples. When a friend of mine travels, in addition to being prudent about keeping herself safe, she insists on a hotel room with separate beds. She's afraid of how people from other places might treat her if they realize how close she and her "friend" really are. Other people I know always drink or use something before they go out or date, in order to feel comfortable just being themselves. These are both ways in which internalized shame or discomfort can be inhibiting.
By contrast, an ex of mine is not only out at work, he continuously mentions his partner and child when his co-workers start chatting about their families. When I visit my parents and brother, I try to create conversations about why they vote for politicians who discriminate against me. A friend of mine insists on safer sex whenever he's looking to hook up, because he knows that maintaining his own health is more important than any immediate high he might get from connecting with a hot guy who likes risky play. These are all ways in which being more at peace with your LGBT identity can make life more enjoyable and rewarding. Being honest about who you are and what you're feeling is what coming out is all about.
Since the world isn't always safe, be careful and be smart. Don't put yourself in harm's way just to make a point or to stand up for your ideals. The need to hide parts of yourself in order to survive is nothing to be ashamed of. But don't keep up that pretense any longer than necessary. Be out as much as you can, whenever you can.
By coming out, we can say no. No more hatred; no more pain. No more hiding who we are in order to get a raise; or to placate a friend or family member. No more hiding who we are behind a bottle or a pill or sex.
is saying yes to other things, instead. Yes, we deserve happiness. Yes, we deserve safety and equal rights. Yes, we deserve love.
is also a way of giving back. Give back to others their own bigotry, hatred and fear. If someone has a problem with who you are, it is their problem. Give it back to them, by healing any self-doubt or fears or shame.
How can you do that? As Madonna quoted Plato, "an unexamined life is not worth living." So examine your life a bit more. Figure out when you tend to remain silent instead of standing up for who you are. Talk things over with friends. If you're a member of a congregation or temple, set up some meetings with a clergy member you trust. Or find a therapist you like, and spend some time exploring how to feel even more empowered than you already are. Develop better coping strategies for those moments where we have to choose between silently fitting in, or asserting our right to be both visible and equal.
September 11 is now a national day of remembrance: the anniversary of when people expressed their hatred of our country through violence and terrorism. Let October 11 be a reminder of the need to stand up to hatred and bigotry. Come out. Speak out. Say no to homophobia; say yes to yourself.
Cal J Domingue, MFT, is a past president of Gaylesta, the GLBT Therapist Association of the Greater Bay Area. Want to find a therapist to help with whatever will make you happier? Visit www.gaylesta.org, or call the therapist referral line at 888-869-4993.