We were surprised, admittedly stunned, after the August 30 court ruling striking down Iowa's marriage laws limiting marriage to a man and a woman, thus paving the way for my partner Pam Lee and I to be wed in the Hawkeye State. We didn't think it would happen here in the Heartland, at least not yet. We re-read the court decision, and I proposed. It wasn't romantic. But after 20 years, we were past the "tryout stage."
As a former head coach at the University of Iowa, a 1984 bronze medalist, and 1988 Olympic team captain, I had represented Iowans in the national and international athletic arena in a first-class manner. On August 31, Pam and I almost became first-class citizens.
Awake at dawn, we reached a decision: "Let's do this." Knowing a judicial stay was only a matter of time, we Googled an application. The form created our first dilemma: Who wanted to be the "groom" and who wanted to be the "bride?" These were the only choices. Could we cross out "groom" and each be "bride?" Would this invalidate the form? Are we really having a discussion about this? Okay, flip a coin. Beth is the groom; Pam is the bride.
Now, we needed a witness. At 7 a.m., we called our neighbor, "Hello, Sally, what are you doing this morning?" I asked. "Why?" I didn't hesitate. "Pam and I want to know if you would be our witness for our marriage application. We can't think of anyone else we would rather have." Sally emotionally replied, "I would be honored." Our eyes welled as we realized our marriage was an actual possibility.
"I'm sorry, but the judge's ruling is valid only in Polk County [Des Moines]," the local recorder told us. We exchanged glances. "Let's go." Sally validated our application by signing as a "disinterested" witness, confirming our identities in front of a notary, and my co-workers. We were not sure who was more excited, my co-workers or us. Just as Sally was about to sign, a co-worker grabbed another's "Welcome Back from Maternity Leave" bouquet, halved it, and handed each of us a floral arrangement. Pam and I traded "bride" and "groom" signs while flashbulbs popped.
On the way to Des Moines, we ironed out the invitation list, music, and reception date for friends and family. We were excited about a possibility that had long been closed to us. Imagine having the same legal protections as every other married couple!
Inside the Polk County Administration Building, we traversed a hallway, followed by TV crews and cameras. We signed and notarized our application, and headed to the courthouse to waive the three-day waiting period, which required a judge's signature. Our plan was to be married in Iowa City by dusk. When we met the judge, Pam and I introduced ourselves, and explained our request. His response was devastating: "I apologize, but the judge just issued an immediate stay, pending appeal to the Iowa Supreme Court. I am so sorry."
We knew this was the possible, even likely, outcome of our marriage attempt. We thought we had steeled ourselves against disappointment. Yet, when it came, it hurt more than we could ever have imagined. Deflated, we left Des Moines with a file-stamped marriage application. It awaits a decision by the Iowa Supreme Court.
Funny, when something isn't legally permissible for a class of individuals to which you belong, you can fool yourself into believing it doesn't matter. However, when something as fundamental as marriage becomes a reality – even for a few hours – it is difficult to return to that state of denial. Marriage matters to us. For 20 years, we have gladly shared in its responsibilities. We had hoped we could finally avail ourselves of its rights.
That afternoon, we went to the same restaurant we dined at two years ago after I was deemed morally fit to become a member of the Iowa Bar. I was, that day, sworn in before some of the same justices who will decide whether I should have the same rights as the Iowans for whom I legally advocate. As we unsuccessfully attempted to blink back our tears, we focused on what we will always remember from this day: our love, and the support of our friends and families. Thank you from the bottom of our broken hearts.
Elizabeth Beglin is an assistant Johnson County attorney, and the former head field hockey coach at the University of Iowa. Pam Lee is a physical therapist at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics.