Almost exactly three years ago, one month after he became mayor, Gavin Newsom sent shockwaves across the nation and became a hero to gays and lesbians everywhere by defying California law and issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. I will never forget the chill that went down my spine when I first saw the line to get a marriage license stretching all the way around the block of San Francisco's City Hall . Nor will I forget the tears streaming down my face while watching so many of my close friends amongst class=ecmsoins>the dozens of LGBT couples marrying on the front steps of City Hall. We knew that some would never understand us anyway, but we hoped that it would humanize our community to everyday folks in Iowa, even make us more average, more normal. I admit I got very caught up in the romance of it too É
I will leave it to other s to deconstruct the impact class=ecmsoins>the mayor's affair will have on his political viability in a re-election campaign and the legal questions that may arise if Ruby or Alex Tourk file suit against the City and County of San Francisco. As for the moral issues, I suspect that the LGBT community and San Francisco, will be, by and large, forgiving of his sexual mistakes, particularly now that Mayor Newsom has agreed to seek counseling for alcohol use. As Supervisor Tom Ammiano commented, "We all have our blemishes." Well, yes. I know I do. I also know that many think all queers are godless sinners, and that we should rot in hell.
Yet, as the three-year anniversary of the wedding fest nears, I am worried. Some are suggesting that the revelation of Mayor Newsom class=ecmsoins>'s transgressions may have undermined the cause of marriage equality because those everyday folks in Iowa are now wondering what marriage means to San Franciscans class=ecmsoins>. Some argue that these revelations will perpetuate the phobic argument that gay and lesbian couples marrying undermine class=ecmsoins>s the institution of marriage. Maybe. But I lived near Iowa. In fact, I grew up across the border in Minnesota, and well, things weren't that different in Iowa than they were in Minnesota, and really for that matter, San Francisco: Unfortunately, everyday folks betrayed their partners, betrayed their friends, fought, broke up, and remarried.
Perhaps the belief that marriage is a successful institution is simply an illusion.
That said, our community needs to mature and see past some romanticized version of marriage. Marriage can provide us with legal rights that we are currently denied, but it has significant shortcomings that can undermine other long-term goals we have, such as recognition of the diversity of our relationships. I will never forget when KGO talk show host Pete Wilson used his support of same-sex marriage to argue that his condemn ation of Supervisor Bevan Dufty for co-parenting a beautiful baby with a lesbian friend was not homophobic. According to Pete, they had a loveless and immoral relationship. Unbelievable.
But, we have no one but ourselves to blame for it if we hold up traditional marriage relationships as the ideal and work so hard to appear normal and average that we leave behind the complexity and interesting possibilities our community creates in our relationships all the time. There is a long tradition in our community of challenging hetero-normativity and the truth is that there has never been this idealized hetero-normative relationship for heterosexuals either – it is simply some ideal that most can never live up to.
We have fought hard for marriage equality, our work is not finished, and I strongly believe we should continue to fight, but I class=ecmsoins> know we can have a class=ecmsoins> more mature movement that simultaneously advocates for marriage equality and celebrates the many possible loving relationships outside hetero-normative models. We don't have to polarize into pro or con conversations about marriage equality. We also need to rely on the movement, not individuals. At the end of the day, we can do better.
Robert Haaland is a transgender labor activist and a commissioner on the Board of Appeals. He also writes for http://www.leftinsf.com.