On November 11, Veterans Day, Marriage Equality USA honors the contribution patriotic gay and lesbian service members have made to our country, even while facing discrimination at home. Gays and lesbians serve in our military, while being forced to keep their families and personal lives invisible. They join the military, willing to put their lives on the line to protect cherished constitutional rights – such as freedom of speech and equal treatment under the law – two basic rights they themselves are unable to enjoy.
As the veterans and military outreach director of MEUSA, I hear many first-hand stories from active service members serving overseas about how the combination of military and marriage discrimination leaves their families particularly vulnerable and at risk. I share just some of their messages:
"I am an officer. I can lead a unit, but I can't marry the woman I have loved and who has suffered through the moves and problems of my choice profession for 10 years. I did my job for my country – for a country that denies me the right to give my family security in the open." – Anonymous active lesbian service member serving in Iraq.
"I'm not sure what to say except her being away, well, it was like living in a silent hell. The lengths we have had to go through to 'hide' our family. I am the nanny, housekeeper, whatever you want to call me. I had to listen as other women talk about their spouses being away and how proud they were. I felt the same pride. I felt the same fear, but if I expressed it, we would lose everything and we had worked so hard." – Spouse of anonymous.
To gay and lesbian military veterans and active service members, Veterans Day is yet another reminder of our country's ongoing discrimination against their families. Over 350 of the 1,138 federal rights of marriage relate to those who have served their country, including access to relocation assistance, housing, health care, educational benefits, loan preferences, death benefit payments, and the right to be buried next to your spouse in a military cemetery. Despite their exceptional service to their country, the families of LGBT service members and veterans are denied the benefits afforded to the families of their heterosexual counterparts.
Gay and lesbian active service members cannot even access the limited relationship protections afforded other gay couples through a civil union or domestic partnership because doing so violates the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and jeopardizes their employment within the military services. DADT prohibits gay and lesbian service members from discussing their sexual orientation – including their partners and families – with others. Partners of gay and lesbian service members are unable to access support services available to other active service members' spouses. Furthermore, because they do not have the freedom to access relationship protections, these families are denied relocation assistance, medical benefits, Social Security survivor benefits, and will not even be notified if their family member is killed, kidnapped, or injured in the line of duty.
"Imagine if you were told by your employer that you couldn't talk about the person in your life," said Rhonda Davis, a 10-year Navy veteran who was processed out of the military after speaking at a marriage equality event. "Imagine you couldn't even acknowledge their existence. If you slip and casually say, 'My girlfriend and I are in love and we want to get married,' you don't get congratulated ... you get fired. That's what happened to me because I violated the military's DADT policy. I have lost my job, my place in military housing and the 10 years I've worked toward retirement, but I've gained two very important things by coming out and being honest about who I am: my self-respect and the freedom to walk down the street holding the hand of the woman I love."
Despite DADT, same-sex couples are just as likely as married couples to have at least one family member who is a veteran. For example, UCLA's Williams Institute reports that 11 percent of same-sex couples, compared to 14 percent of married couples in California have one member who is a veteran. According to a recent report by the Urban Institute, over one million gay and lesbian Americans are veterans. The states with the largest population of gay and lesbian veterans include California, Florida, Texas, New York, and Georgia. Among metropolitan areas, Los Angeles, Washington, D.C., San Diego, Chicago, and New York have the highest populations of gay and lesbian veterans.
These courageous men and women have served their country with honor and dignity and deserve equal rights, as the Constitution guarantees, and they deserve the freedom to marry and have their family recognized and included for purposes of protections afforded all other active military and veteran families.
Regardless of your personal beliefs or choices about whether to marry or join the military, everyone should agree that our government should not be allowed to categorically deny access to these institutions to all LGBT people based solely on their sexual orientation.
If you are a veteran or active service member and you would like to share your story about how marriage discrimination affects you and your family to help further educate the public, please contact me at [email protected]
For more information, visit www.marriageequality.org.