This holiday season, for the first time, we had to ask my in-laws not to visit.
It's not that we've ever had a particularly strong relationship. While they were always standoffish, things got tense once I started transitioning, and my partner made it clear that they were going to stay with me. I was uninvited from family affairs, and the extended family went so far as to try to set my spouse up with a distant cousin one Christmas season.
Obviously, my partner declined and, while they have never gone to the various family holiday events, we have invited their parents and brother to visit with us during the holidays. It has been about as neutral an event as it could possibly be.
It's always been tense, however. There have long been those slips when it came to my name and gender – which used to sting a lot in my early transition days – as well as the fact that I was still treated very differently by them when they did come to our home.
I always get the feeling like they're trying to take pity on their poor daughter, stuck living with me, rather than having an, ahem, "normal" relationship with some nice man somewhere. They don't seem able to quite grasp that my spouse is not particularly straight.
This year, however, we opted to cut this particular cord and, while it has been a long time coming, it was the November election that finally did it. My spouse broached the subject in October about the election, trying to get them to consider a vote for Democratic nominee Vice President Kamala Harris. No such luck. Dad was going to vote Republican because he always does, my mother-in-law said. She also added, "No one will accept a woman as president."
To my ears, none of this was particularly surprising. My father-in-law is a lifelong conservative and is now in his 90s. His opinions on such matters ossified several decades ago, and I'm sure no amount of new information would change things. My own father was very similar.
Same, too, with our mothers. I can recall my own mom opining about women running for president way back when Geraldine Ferraro ran as vice president with Walter Mondale on the Democratic ticket in 1984. A woman would be too emotional to be president, she said, particularly during "certain times of the month."
Yes, I could see how President-elect Donald Trump would never let his emotions get in the way of cool, rational decision-making.
After the election, and the return of Trump for a second term, we decided that this was the year for a break. Honestly, we didn't want the topic to hang over the house like, well, out-of-season holiday decor, I suppose. We're tired, we're anxious, and we've been spending the last month doing things like setting up advanced health care directives and such, in case the next administration – and their friends at the U.S. Supreme Court and in Congress – attempt to relitigate same-gender marriage.
It hurt my partner, even with years of relative subterranean drama, to hear that their parents actively voted for an administration that has been clear about its views of trans and LGBTQ people. Even knowing that their parents' reasons weren't tied to anti-trans animus, per se, the fact of the matter is that they did, one way or another, vote for a presidential candidate who is willing to strip us both of our rights.
So, no, this year they get to stay home.
I decided to write about this because, well, I want to show a window into the experience many trans people are having this holiday season, knowing that we may be mere weeks away from losing livelihoods when Trump axes transgender people in the military again, or when our identity documents are challenged, or when the medications we take are put out of our reach.
All of these are more than just empty fears, and all of these are expected as day one moves by the incoming administration. Honestly, many of us can only hope that the Trump administration ends up challenged and tied up in courts for a while, or that the general incompetence we saw in the first Trump administration works out to our advantage.
Meanwhile, we'll be stockpiling medications, renewing passports, and getting all our vital paperwork in order. Heck, some of the luckier – and wealthier – folks may be able to get out of the country in time.
My in-laws were surprised by our decision. To be honest, I don't think they still fully grasp it. A Trump presidency is not likely to cause them a lot of trouble, at least not at first. They've tried to communicate a bit more, and even sent gifts – even though we expressly made it clear that we really did not want them. I'm sure the fancy bottle of garlic oil will taste good regardless, but it all seems meaningless.
All this said, I only ask this: if you have trans people in your lives, reach out to them. See if you can lend a hand. Maybe they could use a moment around friends and chosen family, as others let them down. Consider making concrete gestures of help and good will, because right now a lot of us aren't feeling much of that in our lives.
And to my trans siblings, I know my story isn't that dissimilar from a lot of what you are going through. Stay strong, and know that we're stronger together – at every time of year.
Gwen Smith hopes 2025 isn't as bad as it most surely will be. You'll find her at www.gwensmith.com
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