Since adopting our amazing little boy from the foster care system nearly two years ago now, I have found myself increasingly empathetic to the challenges of parenthood.
Parenting is difficult. Sometimes you don't sleep, you don't eat, and you do it all because your child comes first. In the daily sacrifices we make as parents, I have come to appreciate all that my parents have done for me.
Most of all, I have become more sensitive to the judgments foisted upon others not like us, people who do not necessarily share our state of being in the world. Until you are or have been a parent, it's hard to comprehend.
For example, I recently found myself in the position of defending the mother of a little baby. As it was posted online, the picture shared little information except that the woman was waiting in line with her stroller parked temporarily in the doorway of a tiny sandwich shop.
A thread of demeaning and judgmental posts followed with a parade of gay men making endless assumptions about the woman, her socioeconomic status, her parenting choices, and her motivations. When I came to her defense and asked for people to think outside of their own life circumstances, I was told to "lighten up" and to take it as light-hearted joking. But, I just couldn't.
The reality is that there are increasing numbers of LGBT folks who are choosing to parent. According to U.S. Census Bureau data, it was reported that about 63,000 couples were raising children in 2000; but, just a few years ago, that figure had nearly doubled to more than 110,000.
Above all, adoptive parenting is increasing substantially as is gay male parenting. Is parenting for everyone? No, of course not. What is critical to appreciate is that our hard-won battles are opening up a greater range of lifestyle options for us - and, well, isn't that what we have been fighting for: not to be told who we are or who we can be?
Apparently, childrearing among gays and lesbians tends to be more common in conservative, rural states like Wyoming (28 percent of same-sex couples) and Kansas (26 percent). According to Gary J. Gates, a demographer at LGBT think tank the Williams Institute at UCLA's School of Law who analyzed the census data, "Same-sex couples who live in places with relatively high concentrations of same-sex couples tend to be less likely than other same-sex couples to be raising children."
Of course, no one told my husband and me that fact as we set about to adopt a child, living in the heart of the Castro district. Honestly, it wouldn't have made any difference if they had because we knew what we wanted for our family and ourselves. We have since chosen to move out to Castro Valley for a variety of personal reasons, including cost of living, commuting, and better schools.
What has been most important to us is that we share our love, our caring, and our values with our son - a child who might have faced considerable challenges without our support. We made the decision to become dads because we maintain a strong sense of family and community that we want to share with him. We want a better life for our son.
So, if another gay person wants to give our life choices a disparaging, condescending title such as "heteronormative," so be it. We know the kind of life we want to live and no one, gay or straight, can deny us that. What if some of us merely want the same things in life?
What amazed me in the aforementioned online thread, however, is how quickly so many gay men jumped on the proverbial bandwagon. Let's make fun of the straight person because, well, they deserve it, right? They're the source of our oppression and suffering. So, why not at least be snippy and spiteful? This is our collective thick skin that has protected us well for quite some time.
I understand that the institution of "family" is one that has been denied to us repeatedly and one from which we have been actively excluded for countless years. When I came out to myself, I cried because I believed that I wouldn't be able to get married and have a family.
Years later, our community proved me wrong. Times are changing; and, our own attitudes need to keep pace. LGBT life is more openly diverse now than it was 20 or 30 years ago. Perhaps it's time to give up the jokes and merely accept each other at face value.
Demetri Moshoyannis is the longtime executive director of Folsom Street Events.