In 1984, private spaces in bathhouses were prohibited by the San Francisco Department of Public Health. Revisiting this issue is long overdue.
Bathhouses provide a special and unique way for gay men to meet. A place where men can relax, be intimate, make love, enjoy sex, hang out, and have fun. They provide a variety of social amenities: private rooms, saunas, hot tubs, gyms, lounges, etc. in an ambiance void of economic class (most guys are in towels). They exist throughout the world and provide a great place for travelers and locals to meet. Many of us have met life-long friends and lovers through bathhouse connections. Now more than ever, especially in an expensive city like San Francisco, private rooms in bathhouses would create a respectful, responsible, and less risky place for men to love men and have sex. Some guys, because of social, economic, or temporary reasons, don't have the option to bring a guy to their home.
As a practical matter, bathhouses with private rooms provide a less risky way to connect for the following reasons:
• Neutral space for all participants.
• No disruption to your own living situation. Eliminates the risk of inviting a new acquaintance to your home or going to his home. Hence, less chance of robbery, assault, unexpected surprises, pets.
• Eliminates the potential problems of meeting in public then going together to one guy's place; but you may leave later in the night, tired, in a strange neighborhood, with the potential to get lost, robbed or assaulted.
• Private rooms provide greater comfort to cuddle and linger, and are more conducive to intimate one-on-one conversations and meaningful connections.
Currently without private spaces:
• We don't have control of our physical environment, and may be subjected to unwanted stares, fingers, hands, mouths, an uninvited grab fest.
• Since there is no privacy, watching may increase the excitement level and self-control may be challenged.
• For some, in order to perform while being watched, they may feel the need to take substances to become less inhibited, possibly impairing judgment.
• Discriminates against the majority of men who do not want to be watched or interfered with when having sex, and/or may not have a private place to go.
Most humans �" most of the time �" desire privacy when they have sex. It is time to allow men who have sex with men the right and capability to have respectful and responsible sex in private rooms in commercial sex venues. The men in San Francisco need more venues to love and appreciate one another freely, and with the same opportunities for sexual privacy that exist in Berkeley, San Jose, and so many other world-class cities.
As to monitoring, it may send the subtle message that someone else will protect you, rather than emphasizing that each of us has ultimate power and responsibility for our own sexual behavior. Does anyone really believe that if someone isn't willing to take care of themselves that monitoring will really change them? I don't. It is about time to do away with this ineffective, detrimental, and degrading concept of monitoring.
Rather than monitoring us, I wish that the health department and all sex educators would re-think their stale (emergency) language of safe sex or safer sex which was introduced in crisis, but now is used as a repetitive message that is inherently inaccurate. It saddens me to hear young guys say they were practicing safe sex as they were taught, but got HIV or another sexually transmitted disease. The truth is: Sex is never safe. It can be anything from loving to catastrophic, but it's always charged. If it is safe, it is not sex. It is complicated and carries physical, emotional, psychological and social risks. Sex is unique and self-defined. Do what you will, but know the risks.
Let's be wise in our sexual adventures, and embrace and practice the wealth of sexual activities we can share when status is unknown �" at least for the first encounters. If you have to ask, do you really know?
I believe that sex is enriching and we need more of it. When men are loving men through sexual expression, not only are they better off, those around them are as well. So now boys, let's get busy and spread some more loving around.
And remember: wash your hands before sex and pee after.
Richard Carrazza has been a San Francisco resident since 1975.