Fifteen years after writing a concise book of manners for LGBTs, journalist and author Steven Petrow is back with a thoroughly revised successor for the emerging etiquette of a new age, entitled Steven Petrow's Complete Gay and Lesbian Manners (Workman).
"I wrote that before there were chat rooms, before people were doing email, before Ellen came out," Petrow, 53, said, referring to talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. "Before there was gay marriage."
A little gentle guidance can go a long way, Petrow said. His new book, written with Sally Chew, spans the gamut, guiding interactions for LGBTs and straight people over the course of their entire lives – what he calls "womb to tomb."
At one recent book signing, he recalled fielding a question from a 14-year-old who needed help with friends who said "that's so gay."
Petrow advised "not being silent, although not being aggressively assertive ... saying, 'do you understand what that means?'" He added, "I think when you realize that someone is well intentioned but has just kind of messed up, it's a good opportunity to make it into a nice teachable moment."
That's just what he did a few years ago when he moved with his partner to Chapel Hill, North Carolina. At first, neighbors simply didn't know how to refer to the couple. "They started off with this sweet, bumbling, 'how is your roommate, how is your friend?' And I said, 'my partner Jim is fine.' And they caught on."
Those are just a few of the issues Petrow tackles in his book. He places particular emphasis on partnership ceremonies and raising children, areas that have evolved rapidly in recent years. His advice touches on the role of surrogates, writing a letter to a birth mother, the wording for wedding invitations, titles for wedding participants, and more.
"I had a cadre of advisers whom I interviewed on all these topics," Petrow said. "A very eclectic group that included John Bartlett, the menswear designer who helped me on fashion; [NCLR legal director] Shannon Minter helped me with legal stuff and trans questions; I had florists, undertakers, paid escorts, restaurateurs, lawyers, psychologists in schools."
Consultation with Facebook and Twitter followers rounded out the research.
"Over the last three years, social media has become pervasive throughout our entire culture," he said. "From, is it okay to come out on Facebook to can I tweet my wedding invitation to is it okay to text someone as a condolence? The rapidity of that change is really amazing."
He added, "GPS apps came in at the tail end of that. What's dating etiquette with them? It's a fascinating brave new world out there that I think this book provides a helpful hand in understanding better."
But although the practice may change, the theory of etiquette remains largely the same. Petrow recently read an Emily Post essay from the 1920s in which she advised, "never write a letter to a man that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of your hometown newspaper," to which he would now add, "never send a tweet that you wouldn't want to see on the homepage of Patch."
Petrow will discuss his book at Books Inc. in the Castro, 2275 Market Street, on July 12, and at the San Francisco Public Library's main branch, 100 Larkin Street, on July 13.