LGBT couples likely would cringe at the suggestion that gay people are indeed allowed to marry everywhere in the United States, if they do so with an opposite-sex partner. The fight for equality goes beyond what gay people can do within the current system, striving instead for recognition of the family and political values that come naturally to them.
So it makes sense that many queers are increasingly calling for equal resources to be dedicated to the "other side" of the fight – one that concentrates on offering alternatives to marriage for everyone – gay, straight, romantically partnered, and single. After all, say activists, many LGBT families center around opposite-sex queer co-parents, or gay friends who pool their resources, all of which deserve legal protections.
Building coalitions with other unmarried families could strengthen LGBT couples' rights, including gay marriage: last year, Arizona became the only state in the union to defeat a gay marriage and domestic partnership ban after activists made a case against marital status discrimination that appealed to unmarried straight couples and all forms of alternative families. And now making its way through the California state legislature is SB11, authored by openly lesbian Senator Carole Migden (D-San Francisco).
SB11 seeks to allow all opposite-sex couples to register as domestic partners with the state; currently, only same-sex couples and opposite-sex senior couples have that right. The bill has already passed the state Senate and is headed to the Assembly Judiciary Committee, where it is expected to be heard in July.
The Bay Area Reporter covered SB11 when it was first introduced last December. This Pride season, the B.A.R. spoke to some of the heterosexuals who testified in support of SB11, who say the bill is every bit as much for the LGBT community as it is for them.
"There are many times I've looked at being able to quit my job to go back to school, but I can't do that, because I have to have health benefits for myself and my child, and can't get that from my partner," said Jessica Heskin, a Sacramento resident in a four-year unmarried heterosexual relationship with Bob Stephens. The couple is raising her daughter from a previous marriage.
Heskin is opposed to marriage for a number of reasons. She is a feminist who understands the institution to be historically oppressive toward women and not based upon love. She is a gay rights supporter who does not want to support an institution that discriminates against some of her close friends. And she also doesn't believe that marriage should be the line by which families are recognized or given benefits.
"God forbid one of us gets hurt and we don't have access to each other's benefits. We own a house together, and we are raising a child together – is that really less legitimate than the Britney Spears [two-day marriage in Vegas] scenario?" said Heskin. "It's hard to get this idea across to people; many will say I should 'just get married.' But it really sucks to have to sell out my ethics in order to care for my family. This country is not based on 'shut up and conform.'"
Indeed, many more people than conservatives care to admit would actually agree with this sentiment. The majority of American households, according to the latest U.S. census, are unmarried. This does not mean they are uncommitted or not responsible for each other, as longtime San Francisco resident Mitchell Omerberg can attest.
"We were never really happy with the institution of marriage," said Omerberg, who like Heskin opposes the historic sexist and homophobic roots of marriage and is looking for something better. Omerberg and his partner Polly Marshall have two children, ages 17 and 12; the couple has been together for 30 years.
California's domestic partnership law is unique in that it provides all of the state benefits and responsibilities of marriage to registered couples. It is not necessarily beneficial for couples who can get married to choose domestic partnership in California; couples who cannot afford to have their incomes jointly assessed may be better off not registering, and domesic partnership, unlike opposite-sex marriage, may not be recognized across state lines.
But the couples involved in the fight for opposite-sex domestic partnership say it is one of principle, and that securing statewide domestic partnership for opposite-sex couples can act as a stepping stone to ensuring that many more alternative forms of family are recognized as the committed families that they are.
"I think we have to do the best that we can and keep fighting to make sure our laws are not backwards or sexist," said Omerberg. "I'm looking for something without the vestings of inequality from another time."
"This is one step closer to showing – on a political level – that there are all different kinds of family," agreed Heskin.
It's also interesting to note that conservatives who oppose Migden's SB11 do so using the same rhetoric against gay marriage, namely, that the institution of marriage is jeopardized by recognizing other family forms.
"SB11 would functionally abolish marriage between a man and a woman," said Randy Thomasson, president of the Campaign for Children and Families, the right-wing group that attempted to get a gay marriage and domestic partnership ban on the California ballot last year and is working on a similar ballot measure for 2008. "A man and a woman receiving all the goodies of marriage without being married is ridiculous. SB11 would destroy the special status of marriage between a man and a woman. It would make all real marriages in California unspecial in the eyes of the law ... talk about a government disincentive to be married."
Heskin said she finds it telling that some of the comments about SB11 have expressed panic that allowing heterosexuals to be domestically partnered would mean "nobody would get married."
"I thought, Aha. That's the real argument against this," said Heskin. "That's the fear – that all people will want a different definition of family or state recognition."
Meredith Fenton, national program director for Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, said bills like SB11 can only help LGBT families.
"Any law that allows people to identify and validate whoever is in their family is going to be a law that celebrates the true diversity of how families actually look in this country," said Fenton.
Heskin – whose inability to marry may not be due to a legal reason, but is a core piece of her identity nonetheless – said she sees her position as something that enhances the gay marriage movement.
"Gay and lesbian couples are fighting to be recognized as a legitimate family form. That's what I'm fighting for, too," she said. "To me, it's the same fight."