Transmissions: Self-discovery amid the darkest nights

  • by Gwendolyn Ann Smith
  • Wednesday October 30, 2024
Share this Post:
Illustration: Christine Smith
Illustration: Christine Smith

As I write this, both the presidential election and Halloween are looming. Yes, a time of monsters and dark evil, and also a holiday where candy is given to kids in costumes.

The election is surely weighing on all of our minds, thanks to former President Donald Trump's shadow over the whole affair, and what a potential second term for him would mean for the LGBTQ community, for migrants, and for anyone who prefers living in a democracy. Honestly, I am not sure if I will be tied to a computer on November 5, nervously hitting my F5 key to refresh every few seconds, or if I would rather hide under my pillow hoping against hope for good news at the end of the count.

Yes, as if you did not already know, I am hoping for a win by Vice President Kamala Harris.

I want to — for my own sanity, at least — think more about Halloween at the moment, even if the holiday may be relegated to half-off candy sales somewhere behind countless hastily-prepared yuletide displays.

You see, Halloween is a deeply, shall we say, magical time. Halloween — also known as All Hallows' Eve — begins on the evening of October 31 and lasts into the first of November, marking the end of the harvest and the approaching winter. It is viewed as a liminal space, sitting between the light and the dark sides of the year, with May Day as its polar opposite.

As such, it was seen as a time when the veil was thin, when the boundaries between this realm and others were thin, and spirits could travel into this world. You can easily see how such beliefs have shaped what Halloween is today, with the focus on ghosts and ghouls.

Yet, that "thinness" is also a time of magic and divination, where we can see our futures. It's a time for new beginnings and to travel new paths for ourselves.

More to the point, this then has deep connections to things transgender — particularly for those newly discovering themselves.

To me, Halloween should be a moment when we can share our desires and explore ourselves. When we can dance in those peripheral spaces between the mundanity of our existence and the wondrous spaces of our wildest imaginings. This is when we can show our wildest, most fantastical selves.

For many, Halloween may well be the first time we present in our preferred gender, under the safe ploy of it purely being a costume we'll wear that one time. We get a moment to experience ourselves as we may have always pictured us, with less fear of repercussion, and a greater moment of being treated as we might expect, even if it may be a simple pantomime of reality.

There is huge strength in this.

Then, November 1 comes, and we may just crash back to reality. Before you do, however, consider your desires manifested and take this time to consider what your next moments might be.

Perhaps you discovered ... nothing. You had fun, and now you can pack whatever away. That is fine and valid. Life is, in essence, about discovery, and self-discovery is the most important of them all. Not all things are for all people, and you are all the better for knowing.

Perhaps, however, you felt something profound and grasped onto a feeling that you need to feel more of. Of course, this, too, is fine and valid. You may have to do some deep thinking in your future. Take that discovery and begin to contemplate the next steps you may wish to take. Again, maybe you don't want to take additional steps, or perhaps these coming months will be a time of study. Curling up with a few good books this fall and winter might be a nice pastime. Or, you may want to consider the need to talk with others in your life about your feelings and discover new allies as wintertime approaches.

I would, of course, be remiss if I did not also harken back to this election for a moment. Depending on the outcome we could be in for some very dark years for transgender people, and this, too, is something to consider. There is wisdom in protecting yourself and staying safe as long as you can in dark times, knowing that no one can take away whatever seed is buried deep in your soul.

I'm not going to sugar coat things. Even if Trump loses, these remain difficult times for trans and queer people. A large number of jackals have awoken across the world, and they are looking for targets. While some of them may indeed turn to knives and guns, know, too, that their biggest weapons may lay in crushing our spirits and turning us toward sorrow and despair.

I'm going to choose to hope, however, and know that, just as winter eventually turns to spring, that this election season will lead to blossoms of possibility for a better, and a happier future for all new life.

No matter what, I invite you to take any knowledge you may obtain as the veil is parted and take heart in it. Know that there is boldness, and power, and yes, magic in knowing who you are and — as the time is right — sharing yourself with the world in whatever way you choose to.

Day will follow night, whether it is in the mists of All Hallows' Eve or in this reality of 2024, and we shall feel the sun on our skin once more.

Gwen Smith has always preferred the spaces between the margins. You'll find her at www.gwensmith.com

Never miss a story! Keep up to date on the latest news, arts, politics, entertainment, and nightlife.

Sign up for the Bay Area Reporter's free weekday email newsletter. You'll receive our newsletters and special offers from our community partners.

Support California's largest LGBTQ newsroom. Your one-time, monthly, or annual contribution advocates for LGBTQ communities. Amplify a trusted voice providing news, information, and cultural coverage to all members of our community, regardless of their ability to pay -- Donate today!