We'd like to thank the Academy, our agent, our attorney, our personal trainer and, most of all, previous Oscar winner God. We'd like to accept this award, for snarkiest play-by-play in a column written on deadline, on behalf of Oscar watchers everywhere. In heaven, there's a gilded eunuch, a microphone, and a swan dress for everyone.
5:35 p.m. Hostess Jon Stewart salutes this year's slate of psychopathic movies for Best Picture. On this list, teenage pregnancy is positively feel-good. The therapist in him comes out. "Does this town need a hug?"
5:45 p.m. Oddly, we revisit a great moment in Babs Streisand history via historic newsreel. Is Oscar throwing a bone to the gays?
6:20 p.m. Javier Bardem: hot when evil, hot even when he's all goody-two-shoes and thanking his mommy.
6:50 p.m. Best Supporting Actress Tilda Swinton, in a bizarre, shapeless dress, salutes George Clooney with a litany of his virtues, "and you're a hunk!" From the dept. of self-evident.
6:55 p.m. Biggest shocker of the night so far: James McAvoy is really short! But very nicely put together.
7:15 p.m. Best Actress upset! We love her, but Marion Cotillard thanks everyone in the world except Edith Piaf, the ostensible reason for her performance. Would it have killed her?
7:25 p.m. Dear Jack Nicholson, it's on our "bucket list" one day before we die to watch an Oscars telecast minus your shiz-eating grin.
8:05 p.m. Famous Dead People, ending with Heath Ledger. OK, we'll put away the snark.
8:30 p.m. Helen Mirren delivers a paean to "good old-fashioned cojones," then presents the Best Actor award to Daniel Day-Lewis, a man wearing matching hoop earrings.
8:46 p.m. No Country for Old Men producer Scott Rudin calls out to his piece of man. "This is also for my partner John Barlow. Without you, honey, this would be hardware. Thank you so much." At last, a feel-good gangle, bringing things full-circle. We can go home now and take off this awful suit.
Genuine, non-snarky thanks go out to the Academy of Friends for hosting their annual gala affair with such aplomb (shout-out to press liaison Jon Finck). And true congrats are in order for director-producer Cynthia Wade on her Oscar win for the short documentary Freeheld , which tells the story of a lesbian couple in New Jersey, one of whom dying of cancer, who got New Jersey domestic partner benefit laws changed through a lawsuit. Now, that's entertainment!
Diva moves
Oscar fever came and went, like the stomach flu. But classic film is forever. To complement this week's coverage of the ongoing Dueling Divas series at the Castro Theatre, enjoy this scripted exchange between movie stars Marlene Dietrich and Tallulah Bankhead on the latter's radio program. Out There found it in the archives under c, for catty.
Bankhead announces: "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce a woman whose name is synonymous with eternal youth, beauty, and glamour, Miss Marlene Dietrich." The orchestra plays a few bars from "Falling in Love Again." Then Dietrich coos, "Alloo. Thank you, Tallulah, for that lovely introduction. You know, I am a great fan of Miss Bankhead's. When I was a little girl in Germany, I read about her exploits on the London stage. Do you know she has been in 50 Broadway plays, and each one ran for two years?" Mee-ow!
Blonde ambition
Talk in the magazine world last week was all about New York mag's spread of the nude Lindsay Lohan, fresh out of rehab, re-enacting Marilyn Monroe's last photo session with that shoot's photographer, Bert Stern. Most of the buzz has been less than laudatory, but perhaps no commentary has been quite as droll as Gina Bellafante's "Celebrity" column for the Times, "Lohan Assumes the Pose: Monroe's Final Sitting." "Like a star quarterback who has never moved on, Mr. Stern has apparently been hankering to relive the old days," writes Bellafante, "to find just the right sad beauty with whom to recreate his erotic and melancholy images."
La Lohan does not get off lightly. We learn, "Her nipples can be ogled through the thin triangle of pink chiffon she clasps with her mouth like a schnauzer." Woof! "She drapes the pink chiffon across her torso diagonally, and if she looks like anyone at all, it is Madonna. Monroe looked available in her Stern photos; Ms. Lohan looks available for sale." Zing!
Silly, horny Matt Drudge! From Sunday's Report : "London to Amsterdam: Airline in first biofuel flight: Jumbo's fueled by nuts." We bet it is.