Jon Stewart: "Michael Vick is going to prison merely because he made dogs fight to the death for his entertainment. Oddly enough, in the prison where he's going ..."
"Hugo Chavez railed for two hours against everything American — except High School Musical 2."
Dave Letterman: "Jenna Bush's wedding is going to be expensive. The $3 billion contract has gone to Haliburton. George W. is going to loan them the 'Mission Accomplished' banner to put up in the bedroom."
Bandleader Paul Shaffer on Merv Griffin's death: "Merv always said he was a quadrasexual. He'd do anything with anybody for a quarter."
Craig Ferguson: "Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career with a false investigation. The FBI issued the response, 'It is our job to stop people from making bombs.'"
Ferguson said he was checking into a hotel when he was startled by a cute young man grabbing his bags. "Turned out he was just a bellboy, but that night he became a bellman."
The title of The Daily Show's trip to Iraq changed from Operation Silent Thunder to Operation Fluffy Bunny. Next night it changed to Operation Kick-Ass. Stewart asked, "What happened to Operation Fluffy Bunny?" Rob Riggle: "Don't ask, don't tell."
Letterman: "Michael Vick faces a year and a half in prison. But I was thinking, shouldn't that be a year and a half times seven? Vick said the fights weren't any worse than what you see on The View."
"A 90-year-old man has become a father. I'm lucky at my age if I can get the cap off the Viagra. Anyway, nice going, Regis."
Ferguson: "Cats can only remember for 10 minutes. 10 minutes after you die, your cat will forget who it's eating."
The Daily Show in Iraq changed to Operation Cameltoe.
Letterman: "According to a new study, people are sexually active well into their 80s. First I say, 'Arrrgh!' Secondly, I say, 'God bless Cher.' Sex in my 80s. Gosh, I wonder what that's going to cost me."
"Michael Vick will be put in a cell and told to 'stay.'"
Top 10 Senior Citizen Pick-Up Lines. 5. "Excuse me while I slip into something orthopedic."
Craig Ferguson: "There's a new study that says people can retain an active sex life well into their 80s. Good news for Ashton Kutcher."
Makin' Whoopi
Letterman: "The new host of The View is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting."
Jay Leno: "After he died, DNA tests showed James Brown fathered two more children. I knew they should have had a closed casket."
"James Brown is the father of two more kids! That's the best time to find out you're a father, after you're dead."
Ferguson: "I wanted to rent a kayak, but all they had was a two-man one. I thought about renting another man, but I thought, no."
"I don't mind dogs humping my leg. It's the disinterested look on their faces that gets me."
"Drop and Give Me $20" was the Daily Show title for the story of the Republican Florida State Legislator who offered an undercover cop $20 to let him give him a blow job. He said it was because he was afraid of the black men in the restroom. Stewart: "So he thinks they won't hit him if he has a cock in his mouth?" John Oliver provided better excuses: "I have tonsillitis and thought that man's penis was a flashlight. I'm bulimic, but don't like to put my finger down my throat. I have a terrible lip condition that can only be cured by contact with another man's penis. I had a headache and thought I saw an Advil on another man's penis."
Leno: "Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband's fundraising campaign is she can't make him black, and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem with Michael Jackson's people."