Sarah Silverman to Jack Nicholson at the MTV Movie Awards: "You've been in every one of my favorite actresses." With Paris Hilton in the audience: "To make Paris feel at home, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I'm just afraid she's going to break her teeth on those things." Also, "The title 300 comes from, 'How gay is this movie on a scale of 1 to 10?'"
Larry the Cable Guy: "If you're in the gay mafia and get whacked, is that good or bad?" And, "I don't need Viagra, knock on wood." Also, "If John Wayne had seen gay cowboys he'd have had patches over both eyes."
Jon Stewart: "Only three of the Democratic hopefuls have vaginas."
Jay Leno: "The FDA has approved a pill that stops a woman's cycle and prevents PMS. This could be the end of The View as we know it." Also, "California is going to have gay conjugal visits, or as it used to be called, lights out." And, "That 60-year-old woman who had twins is going to breast-feed them on powdered milk." Plus, "Lindsay Lohan was arrested for crashing her car into some bushes. Luckily, George Michael, who was having sex in the bushes, wasn't hurt."
Conan O'Brien: "During last night's Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy for gay soldiers. 'Don't ask, don't tell' would be replaced by a new policy, 'Don't tell me you're wearing those boots with that gun.'" Also, "After serving eight years in jail, assisted-suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on Larry King Live. When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here.'" And, "Wolverine and Cyclops are to X-Men as Max Weinberg 's escorts are to ex-men." Guest Paul Rudd's favorite gay porn titles: Tastes Like Chicken and Everybody Does Raymond .
Craig Ferguson: "Paris Hilton went to jail early, because Monday is meat-loaf night."
Jay Leno: "It's the first time Paris has ever spent three nights in the same bed."
Dave Letterman: "Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They're already making a movie about it, The Bird Brain of Alcatraz. I don't think Paris is doing well in prison. She seemed distant at last night's conjugal.�
Craig Ferguson: "There's a man suing the maker of an energy drink, claiming the drink gave him an endless erection. This means you can sue people who have that kind of effect on you. See you in court, Orlando Bloom. I'm not gay, but he's gorgeous!"
David Spade: "Paris misses her cell phone most. Ironically, she's in an actual cell, staring all day at five full bars."
Daily Show title for Paris story: "Shaw Skank Redemption." Jon Stewart on the 2012 Olympic logo: "It looks like a slot machine going down on a stop sign."
Jay Leno: "Paris was released. The people in jail couldn't stand her either. Believe me, this isn't the first premature release she's had a hand in." Also, "Phil Spector may have taken Viagra on the night in question. A guy who couldn't get his gun to go off is in trouble because his gun went off. Would you call him a hardened criminal?" And, "You know who's taking over for Bob Barker? Conan O'Brien."
Dave Letterman: "Paris was released for medical reasons. She gave notes from several doctors: Dr. Jackson, Dr. Grant, Dr. Franklin. You know what Paris' ankle bracelet is going to mean for me, a lot of nasty scratches on my back."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Bob Barker taped his final episode of The Price Is Right. Experts say it's a sad day for television, but a great day for pets who want to keep their testicles."
Craig Ferguson: "Paris has been liberated. Take that, Fritz! It's part of California's catch-and-release program. She still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians."