April might be the cruelest month, but on TV, March is certainly the most annoying. March Madness has begun — but enough about Washington politics! All bad Henny Youngman-style jokes aside, we are in that terrible slough between the end of February sweeps and May sweeps. What that usually means is a lot of mid-season replacement shows and nonstop reruns of the shows we actually watch but might not feel like seeing again. Which is why there's cable.
And why there's Lost, the producers of which had the foresight to take their hiatus a few months back so that now all the shows are new, complex and wonderful, reminding us of what good TV looks like, and how networks really can measure up to cable with good writing, multilayered storylines and fine ensemble acting. If you aren't watching, tune in: ABC makes it easy to catch up with episodes available online.
Now to those mid-season replacements. Would that we had something good to say about The Black Donnellys, which should have been titled Sopranos for Beginners. Or October Road, which makes the treacly Men in Trees look absolutely edgy. This show is so soapy and sappy — with heavy-duty instrumentation behind every scene, in case the sledgehammer hasn't hit you hard enough — that it makes one want to flee to Grey's Anatomy for substance. There's simply no excuse for such bad shows. Really. None.
There's also no excuse for NBC dumping ER (if only for a few weeks) for Raines. We cannot express just how much we wanted to love this show. And we will watch it until it gets killed off, which should take maybe four episodes. Jeff Goldblum is the detective of the title. He's at his absolute best, which is far better than almost anyone else's best, but still cannot overcome the problems of the show. Apparently, like everyone else, NBC execs don't watch their own lineup. If they did, they would know that they already have this show on the air. It's called Medium.
How are Raines and Medium different? Hmmm. Raines star Jeff Goldblum is tall, dark, Jewish. Medium star Patricia Arquette is small, blonde, WASPy. Otherwise you have two quirky detectives who see dead people. One sees them in the daytime, the other at night in her dreams. Both solve crimes this way, which, btw, is not how crimes get solved in real life. Raines has more chuckles and the exquisite Madeline Stowe. Medium has more family fun and the adorably bizarre Maria Lark, the best child actress on TV.
Watch Raines if you don't have cable, because there is nothing else worth watching on network in that time-slot, vying as it does with October Road. Watch it once to see Goldblum in action. But don't get hooked. This one won't be around for very long.
And may we just add that NBC killed the superb and smart Kidnapped (not to mention Studio 60 ), but is feeding us this rehash of Medium, while ABC axed the superb and compelling The Nine and replaced it with the icky pabulum of October Road.
Memo to ABC and NBC: tune into HBO and Showtime for an evening (any evening) to see what real TV dramas are supposed to look like. Or hey, just watch an episode of Lost.
All tied up
While we're feeling cranky, let's take on NBC for the decline and fall of the erstwhile Law & Order franchise. There we were last week, tuning into an episode of L&O: Criminal Intent, which we rarely catch. Detective Eames (Kathryn Erbe) was kidnapped by a serial rapist/torturer/murderer. The graphic details of the tortures and rapes, the depiction of Eames literally strung up, her mouth and eyes duct-taped, were non-consensual S/M of the worst order. The frantic screaming is still in our head.
We understand that the popularity of films like the Saw and Hannibal Lecter franchises has bled (literally) into TV. But L&O:CI is on at 9 p.m. It's kids' fare, for the most part. And each week (this episode being among the most egregious) some new girl gets slaughtered for the small screen. The same thing happens on L&O: SVU and the original L&O.
Creator Dick Wolf has an obsession with female criminals, a subset which barely exists in real life in comparison to male criminals. More than 60% of the murderers on the L&O shows are women. (As opposed to real life, where they comprise fewer than 5% of murderers. There's also a surprising number of queer killers, another non-event in real life.)
We understand that TV is about drama and suspension of disbelief, but the L&O franchise is supposed to be "ripped from the headlines." Because the shows are very much reality-based and often barely disguised stories from the news, when they are re-made to have the killer be a woman, or have the male killer set up by a woman, it leads the average viewer to believe that women are killers. Which, despite what Dick Wolf would have you believe, simply isn't true.
Speaking of lies, that segues nicely into what we have to say about that other ongoing drama series, Mr. Bush Screws Up Washington.
There was a lot of interesting posturing going on for the TV news media last week as Alberto Gonzales and Peter Pace tried to best each other at ignorant remarks before the camera. Pace wanted everyone to know he thinks being queer is immoral and queers don't belong in the military. He did not apologize for his remarks, nor has he fled to rehab.
That was duly noted by queer veterans of the Iraq war who have had their legs blown off in service to their country.
We've had little to say about Katie Couric on CBS, but she did a very nice job of parading gay soldiers before the camera last week, from Eric Alva to guys you never heard of. Including the aforementioned amputees. Apparently she thinks it might be immoral to send kids to die for their country, then when they serve (unlike the President or Vice President, who both weaseled out of service in wartime) trash them for their sexual orientation.
Meanwhile, the guy that Ann Coulter called a faggot a few weeks ago and Rush Limbaugh said could be our first woman President, John Edwards, got grilled over on CNN by Wolf Blitzer on the subject. Now, this is interesting, since Blitzer has long been an apologist for the bigoted freaks over in Bushworld. So one assumes Blitzer was trying to trip up Edwards.
He didn't. Apparently Edwards got the memo that being a bigot just doesn't fly, even if you want the conservative black vote or those elusive independents. Here is the Blitzer/Edwards exchange:
Blitzer: "Let's talk about General Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. He suggested today, his own personal opinion, homosexuality, he said, was immoral. As a result, don't change the don't ask, don't tell policy. First of all, in your opinion, is homosexuality immoral?"
Edwards: "I don't share that view. And I would go further than that, Wolf. I think the don't ask, don't tell is not working. And as President of the United States, I would change that policy."
Blitzer: "Is the don't ask, don't tell policy immoral?"
Edwards: "I think the don't ask, don't tell policy is wrong. It's not working. I think what it's done, effectively, is kept us from having some of the most talented people we could have in our military. It's caused more problems than it's solved. And it ought to be changed."
Compare that to Hillary Clinton, who is on record as being against "don't ask, don't tell," yet first noted, "Well, I am going to leave that to others to conclude." And then, a few hours later, asserted, "I disagree with what he said and do not share his view, plain and simple." The next day, apparently after hordes of Village gays flooded her office with calls, she said this: "I have heard from a number of my friends, and I've certainly clarified with them any misunderstanding that anyone had. I do not think homosexuality is immoral. I'd like to follow the lead of our allies like Great Britain and Israel and let people who wish to serve their country be able to join and do so. And then let the uniform code of military justice determine if conduct is inappropriate or unbecoming. That's fine. That's what we do with everybody. But let's not be eliminating people because of who they are or who they love."
Far worse than the 11th-hour scrambling by Clinton were the unconscionable remarks by Barack Obama, who proclaimed, "I think traditionally the Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman has restricted his public comments to military matters. That's probably a good tradition to follow." Hours later, after Hillary's first comments were adjusted, Obama's spokesperson declared that Obama did not agree with Pace. No statement, just that. Then, a long time later, we got this, in a press release: "As The New York Times reported today, I do not agree with General Pace that homosexuality is immoral. Attempts to divide people like this have consumed too much of our politics over the past six years."
Wow! Don't overwhelm us with your embrace of the queer community, because we know Chicago isn't a big queer town and you don't need the queer vote. Something tells us Dr. King would not be happy about this. Talk about not quite ready for prime time.
Apparently, Edwards' taste of homophobia slurry at the hands of Coulter and Limbaugh provided him with a wake-up call on the topic of queers. He didn't equivocate, didn't need a few hours to feel the pulse of the electorate, didn't need to be slapped around by Human Rights Campaign, just was actually able to answer the question when asked. And correctly, we might add.
This is like Jeopardy, folks: there really is only one right answer.
There's little point in discussing Alberto Gonzales, except perhaps to say that Teflon is as Teflon does; and in this Administration, Gonzales, the man who made torture all-American, can lie to the camera with the best of them. The best of them being the best liars: Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rice — the list is too long for this column.
We can almost hear the conversation between Bush and Gonzales: "Constitution? What Constitution? We got rid of that pesky Geneva Convention nonsense, didn't we? And even got former torture victim Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) to sign onto torture. We don't need no stinkin' Constitution!"
But there are e-mails. Perhaps Gonzales will remember what happened to Mark Foley when his e-mails came to light. Once Nancy Pelosi fixes you in her stare, it might be the endgame.
Emmy nods
Meanwhile, on a far lighter note, no doubt Gen. Pace would have a good deal to say about a few of the Emmy nods. Van Hansis, one of the most underused actors in daytime, has been nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Younger Actor in a Drama Series. He has played gay high school student Luke Snyder on As the World Turns since 2006, and he's been fabulous. He's back on the front burner in another homophobia storyline, denied a literary prize because he doesn't represent the school the way they want it represented.
Of course, America's favorite non-sexual lesbian was nominated for the umpteenth time. Ellen proves the point that everyone in America knows someone queer, and that most queers are not only non-threatening, they're invisible.
We would have liked the stellar work that Jeffrey Carlson has done as Zarf/Zoe, the transgender character on All My Children, to have received a nod, but we know it's soon. Much as we hated this storyline in the beginning, we have come to believe it can change the hearts and minds of the Peter Paces of America.
An episode last week in which Zoe goes to a TG support group, filled with and led by real TG people, was incredibly moving, unbelievably edgy and covered the range of TG experience very well. The members of the group, MTF and FTM, were presented as ordinary people, not freaks. It was one of the best moments of queer TV we've ever witnessed. Take that, Gen. Pace. And stay tuned.