We're so glad it's fall — and an election year! Between the new shows premiering every night and the pre-election antics, no more whining, "There's nothing on the tube!"
We love when TV and politics intersect. Take, for example, that gayest of shows, Dancing with the Stars. If anyone had illusions that (straight) white men can dance, that delusion dissolved into a puddle of pathetic footwork as the new season of ABC's runaway hit debuted. Who was the first "star" voted off the parquet? None other than conservative talk show host Tucker Carlson.
We were actually sorry to see Tucker go, because despite his bad politics, he actually has a sense of humor. Unlike Sara Evans, the right-wing ideologue singer backed by Tom DeLay, who inexplicably managed to stay in the game despite incredibly low scores from the judges and a look we haven't seen since The Lawrence Welk Show.
We so loved seeing Tucker's white (white?!) button-down shirt untucked and open at the neck (no bowtie!). Plus he really seemed to be having fun, and politically he made a nice counterpoint to Jerry Springer.
Springer was equally hilarious. His is the dancing version of Rex Harrison's singing in My Fair Lady. Just as Harrison talks his songs, Springer walks his dancing. But we give him props for not having a heart attack on stage. Although there were points where we covered our eyes.
The most graceless white guy was Harry Hamlin. We sure hope he moves better in bed than on the dance floor, or those big, fat lips of Lisa Rinna's are going to waste. We can honestly say we have never seen anything that stiff that was that big.
Alas, there is no Stacy Keebler or Kelly Monaco among the women this season. The gals are uniformly dull, with the exception of Vivica A. Fox, in the memorial woman-of-color over-40 role. She definitely has it. But please — get her a more flattering dress!
Our money to win, place and definitely show is on soap and talk-show heartthrob Mario Lopez. Not only does he have the best ass in the show, the smoothest moves and the cutest personality, but those dimples! If he were in the room with Arnold Schwarzennegger, we'd be hearing more dish about hot Latinos.
Beetle mania
Speaking of racial stereotypes, we held our nose and took the plunge for Survivor: Eugenics September 14 to see how the race cards would play. Omigod! We'd like to say we were pleasantly surprised that there was no racial element to the show. We'd like to say that, but since we actually watched the show, how could we?
It's no secret that Survivor: Race Bait has created controversy with its decision to divide the teams by race this round. As many people wanted CBS to pull the show as wanted ABC to pull their reprehensible fiction masquerading as history, The Path to 9/11. But just like ABC mimed free-speech, so did CBS. And to hell with consequences.
We have been a Survivor-watcher for years, and have truly enjoyed some seasons of the show, once the best reality show on TV. We will be watching this season from beginning to end. But producer Mark Burnett's high-toned commentary dictated to/through host Jeff Probst that the show is a "social experiment like never before" is just a load of beetle dung.
Here's what we know from previous Survivor s: the show has always been ultra-white. There have been a few gay men, all incredible flamers, and a handful of people of color (who have always brought their own racial stereotypes to the show: the lazy black guy, the angry black woman, the sneaky/furtive Asian/Latina woman, etc.). The show has always highlighted the stereotypical among its few minorities. So really, this isn't such a stretch.
Except the focus is on Survivor like never before. People are actually rooting for their own races in bars and on college campuses. Nice idea, huh? And, just as in previous shows, the stereotypes (purposefully?) abound. We have the Vietnamese nail-salon owner (Cao Boi) who does alternative medicine on his fellow tribesmen. We have the lithe young Latino (Ozzy) who can scamper up a tree (a fellow teammate noted, "just like Mogli in The Jungle Story") for coconuts. We have the older white guy (Jonathan) who stole the Asian team's chickens. And we have the African-American team, so rife with stereotypes that if we were black, we'd be suing CBS now.
So here's how it played out: three black women and two black men. The older of the two men, Sekou, was fat, lazy, and pissing off the women. The African-American team was the only one that hadn't managed to make fire by the point of the first challenge, which they lost, resoundingly, because they could not work as a team to save their lives. The Asians won, followed by the Latinos and whites.
The losing team got to pick someone from another team to go to Exile Island. The two black men, Nate and Sekou, stepped away from the women and made the decision. They chose Jonathan, see above.
We weren't the only ones shocked by that racially stereotyped moment. Even Probst was aghast, and asked the women why they let the men decide. The answer was incredibly lame. "They looked like they knew what they were doing."
Oh, okay. Did you forget you are playing for a million dollars? This was also why the group didn't have fire, because they were leaving it up to Sekou, the guy who was eventually the first to be booted off. He had to take a lot of "breaks" and never got anything done. Although the women had found the water, without fire to boil it, they couldn't drink it. The team had no fire until day three, when they were given flints at tribal council.
It should be noted that the white supremacy websites have been all over this show, which is just their dream program, racial stereotypes and race wars. But what about the average person watching, who isn't a dyed-in-the-wool racist? How do they see the show? Did they see what we saw, a spotlight on an African-American team that couldn't get itself together to do anything, was fraught with gender issues, and floundered at every turn while purporting to be in solidarity with each other? That was what we came away with from the premiere episode (episode two airs Sept. 21). Meanwhile, over on the Asian team, Cao Boi was telling Asian jokes. Oy.
Now, everyone knows that reality TV is edited, right? We think anyone watching Survivor came away with a head full of racial stereotypes, not one of them good. Stay tuned. Or not, we'll keep you apprised.
Hex gays
Speaking of stereotypes, the evangelical Christians are at it again, going after queers on their own special networks. Debuting this week is Pure Passion, carried by the Sky Angel Satellite Network, the Christian Television Network and TBN.
According to the Exodus International website, "Pure Passion deals with sexual sin, brokenness and the issues that surround it. Each episode will cover problems such as homosexual confusion, child sexual abuse, sexual addiction, masturbation, pornography, transgendered conditions, prostitution, human trafficking, father-wounding, and much more. From personal testimonies to expert teaching, you will recognize many Christian leaders. Pure Passion also features Christian recording artists like Dennis Jernigan, The Lads and Clay Crosse, who share their own testimonies of sexual brokenness. Spread the word to friends, pastors and support groups about God's healing message heard every week on Pure Passion ."
Okay, we'll try to ignore the fact that one of the leaders is named MacNutt and another Jack Frost, and go right to the core of the show. It's about "curing" homosexuality.
CBS' longest-running soap opera, As the World Turns, has been doing a queer storyline for the past eight months with a key character, Luke Snyder. Luke's biological father sought out an Exodus-like group to "cure" his son, and things went terribly awry. We love soaps and have always been thrilled by their ability to be issue-oriented while also utterly suspending disbelief. If a soap opera understands that you can't cure homosexuality, that it's innate, then what exactly are these folks doing other than spreading the word that being queer is bad, if you are bad you will go to hell, and if you are going to hell, you might as well just kill yourself?
We don't like the message. But tune in for yourself. The show, produced by Mastering Life Ministries, will be hosted by David Kyle Foster, a former male prostitute; Exodus International President and self-confessed former thief Alan Chambers; pop singer Sy Rodgers; and ex-lesbian activist/self-avowed former "home-wrecker" Christine Sneeringer. Try and envision this group on Dancing with the Stars.
We told you this season was gonna be a blast!
Beat the press
Speaking of blasts, we have been mesmerized by President Bush's all-out offensive against the press. Remember when he didn't give press conferences? Now he's like Donald Rumsfeld, giving them every day just to scream at reporters.
On September 15, Bush held a press conference to explain — well, have a tantrum about — why the US needs to torture alleged terrorists and other detainees. It didn't go well. Perhaps it's that his handlers have lowered his Ritalin dosage (or upped it drastically) or perhaps it's simply that Karl Rove's arm is shorter than it once was. Whatever the problem, it's a biggie.
NBC's chief White House correspondent David Gregory took some hits in the Sept. 15 affair. Gregory queried Bush about what his reaction would be if an American were captured by a foreign government which then tortured, tried and convicted him with evidence he wasn't allowed to see.
Remember what we said about someone tampering with Bush's medication? Well, he went nuts. "My reaction is that, if the nations such as those you named adopted the standards within the [White House's] Detainee Detention Act, the world would be better," Bush insisted, rather agitated, and also deeply confused, since this would mean the American would be held indefinitely and tortured in secret. Kind of like the men at Guantanamo.
Gregory, an ace reporter and no slouch when it comes to pressing a point, did so, asking about Colin Powell's commentary on America's moral standing if we eviscerate the War Crimes Act.
"I know you think it's an important point," Bush sniped, then angrily reiterated that certain techniques were necessary to protect America from terror. Like, well, torture.
Gregory was like a dog with a bone. Once more into the breach, he went to get a response from Bush, who, on the verge of waterboarding him, turned his head and said, "Next man," looking awfully like the Queen in Alice in Wonderland when she proclaimed, "Off with their heads."
In the same press conference, Bush referred to Secretary Powell the way V-P Cheney refers to Democrats. He didn't come right out and call him an al-Qeada lover, but close enough. "If there's any comparison between the compassion and decency of the American people and the terrorist tactics of extremists, it's flawed logic. It's just, I simply can't accept that. It's unacceptable to think that there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective."
In case you were wondering why we get to torture and they don't: Flawed logic.
Finally, we'd like to once again applaud Craig Ferguson. The Late Late Show is far and away the best late-night show on network TV. On September 11, Ferguson came out in a suit and tie, which he's done only once before, when his father died and he did a tribute show to him. Perhaps it's that he's European, and thus understands the concept of respect for the dead, but instead of a comedic monologue (and his are fabulous), he talked about 9/11 and democracy.
Regular viewers know he's a super intellect as well as a wit, but his 9/11 show proved that he's got tremendous heart. He talked about love of country (he's getting his US citizenship) and how it's a big thing to change countries. He talked about the survival of our democracy despite 9/11, despite terrorists and politicians who have used that national tragedy for their own ends. He told some very moving stories. His guests included CNN's Aaron Brown as well as a firefighter who spent a year at Ground Zero and got cancer. The fabulously melancholy Paulo Nutini sang. At show's end, Ferguson noted, "I'm going to pat us on the back now. We didn't have a single politician on tonight." Indeed. Stay tuned.