As a journalist with fond memories of the early-1980s launch of the Gay Games, I sometimes muse about the fate of generations of LGBTQ athletes whose fleeting glory is long behind them. Their careers ended abruptly in San Francisco, Sydney or Montreal, and their only shot at relevance was becoming some promising kid's coach. The brittle new sports comedy The Bronze heterosexualizes those musings, giving us Hope Ann Greggory (TV comedy star Melissa Rauch), a mouthy, pain-in-the-ass one-time gymnastics prodigy who, 10 years out of the spotlight, inflicts her bitterness on the residents of a small Ohio town while living in her long-suffering postal-carrier dad's (Gary Cole) basement.
The Bronze, opening Friday, might have worked, might have actually sparkled, if the severely disgruntled heroine were played by Betty White in her prime, if Dad were an ego-deflating Bob Newhart, or if the film's writers weren't the star and her husband.
The first act finds Hope Ann, still sporting a ponytail and lounging around in her Team USA uniform, cadging free meals from local merchants and angrily resisting Dad's entreaties that she devote herself to training young women for the emotional rigors of international competition.
"Have you thought any more about becoming a coach?"
"I'm not a coach, I'm a star. It's called Dancing with the Stars, not Dancing with the Coaches!"
On the plus side, the screenwriters and director Bryan Buckley give us the sunny sitcom version of exurban life 40 miles west of Cleveland, Ohio, with a gaggle of teachers, druggists and ex-boyfriends who resist the temptation to shun the peevish ex-American sweetheart. The make-or-break moment comes when Hope Ann is forced to train her replacement, aspiring gymnastics star Maggie (Haley Lu Richardson). The younger athlete has the trait, found only at the movies, of seeing just what she wants to see in her beloved mentor.
The Bronze would make much more sense as a lesbian relationship-based sports film, say a sort of next-generation sequel to Robert Towne's Personal Best, where Mariel Hemingway and Patrice Donnelly fall in love while preparing for the 1980 Olympics. The film that actually exists is recommended for young athletes who need to gird themselves for life after the gym.