Cockblusters

Thrones and bones
Someone should alert Men.com, because they made the three parodies I watched, and all three were devoid of both comedy and satire, as well as wit and imagination. Comedy is admittedly hard to do in porn, but the closest thing Men.com gets to wit is in one title. And even their Gay of Thrones (GofT) is a runner-up title to a hetero parody, called Game of Bones.

These parodies aren't even features, the way they'd be if a mainstream studio was the producer, but a website's series of nearly unrelated scenes. So, forget continuity. Attention has been paid to scenery and costume, but are barely given context. They register only because we know the original.

Not that the scenes don't have their moments. GofT delivers Damien Crosse pounding the daylights out of enthusiastic blond beauty Christopher Daniels. These guys are champs. Slender, blond and pale skinned JP Dubois is a good foil for the thick-bodied, darkly hirsute Jessy Ares. They talk dirty, put out maximum energy, and earn a Best in Show rating from me.

There's an okay flip-fuck scene with Paddy O'Brian and Connor Maguire, but it's notable only because Paddy sucks cock. I stopped paying attention to his repetitive, predictable moves some time ago, so I'm unsure if this is a first. He's okay at it, if uninspired. It's nearly a dull event.

Yet the sight of his magnificent cock stirs me as ever it did. What a beaut. I'd die if he had laid a load on Connor's (meaning, my) tongue, but no such luck. Paddy's helicoptering cock as he straddles Connor certainly pushed my buttons, and Paddy shoots all over.

But I'd have lost my mind if he'd given that cream to Connor (let it be noted that where the Men.com website is generously awash with oral cum shots, among all fifteen scenes of these parodies, there are only two cum-gestings—and despite what faked Men photos show, they're scanty ones, at that. Hey, we're dying of thirst here!).

So the net rating of GofT falters, with only three good scenes out of eight. Among those five other pedestrian scenes, Johnny Rapid loses his rapidity, an actor named Dennis West is given several occasions to demonstrate his blandness, and not even Colby Keller can enliven the torpid Toby Dutch. He may moan a lot, but the sex he offers ranges from resistant to abstract.

I'd be remiss not to note a moment of levity that I found in GofT. You ask why we pause for its Boy King to drink a glass of wine after having sex? It's so that he can clutch his throat, and go "Ack! Ack!" before falling over dead. He actually says those two words, "Ack! Ack!"

The Force(d acting)
What, then, of Star Wars, the wan? It starts off with "Luke" (luscious Luke Adams) meeting "Obi-Wan" (Jessy Ares) and enthusing, "You could teach me about being a Jedi!"

First, though, we'll pause for a blow job, and a hot scene with a rousing RC. In Luke's second scene, however, the memory of Jessy's high impact partnering throws shade all over the personality-free Dennis West. This bland performer is featured again, in a washout of a scene with "Vader," a mystery Top whose black robes and helmet conceal his identity, although his dick makes me think he might be Jessy.

Then there's the ostensibly grand finale, which admittedly begins with a lively three-way connecting the cocks of Hector De Silva and Paddy O'Brian with the sweet ass of Luke Adams, but which segues into a middling event of six stormtroopers in an orgy—an event made fairly comic by the clangorous rattling and bumping of their plastic police uniforms. Sounds like the Tin Woodsman and his five clones doing the Charleston.

Feminism and racial diversity aren't to be found in the parody Star Wars, although they are keystones of the Hollywood version, which features as its lead characters a woman and a black man (which I think is the acceptable term for an African-American when he's British; and speaking of, wherefore art thou diversity? Of the 637 performers Men.com lists, there are 11 who are black; they play in twelve scenes, out of 1,974).

I can understand the absence of a lady at Men.com, but why so little melding of colors? True, if "Luke" was black, we'd be deprived of seeing that fleshy bundle of joy, Luke Adams, starring in three scenes. But he could just as easily have been a three-scene co-star.

Caped capers
Kudos to Batman v Superman for finding a way to credibly depict violence, in fast slivers of editing. But watching BvS, I pondered. Why is it always the superhero going down on the fellow he's just rescued? You'd think it'd be the other way around.

Superman (Topher Dimaggio, thankfully out of the woefully wrong style horn-rimmed glasses he wears as Clark Kent) rims Damien Crosse, and eventually feeds him a bit o' cum.

Paddy O'Brian looks great, and his sterling cock gets great display in an only so-so bout with Batman (Trenton Ducati). When Batman finally comes face to face with Superman, he immediately, and I mean immediately goes down on him. Directly following, the heroes underwhelm us as they orgy with the captives they've just released. They should have stopped at Starbucks first.

Well, the score card isn't too good. Of all the things I expected these parodies to be, boring wasn't among them. With their lack of wit and their undistinguished plotting and videography, as well as their mostly rote sex action, the effect of watching these scenes is pretty much like pouring porridge over your penis.