I've wanted to write this column for a long time. It's a subject near and dear to my heart. How do we best build community among those of us who strongly identify with some variation of "leatherperson" or "kinkster?" We often hear calls for bettering the community, but what do we really mean when we say that?
Community is a tricky word uttered so often that it often loses meaning. Many academic researchers and civic leaders see improving community as fostering "social capital," a label they use for networks of connection that build trust and collaboration by involving people in each other's lives and projects. That's as good a definition of community as I've encountered.
I have long advocated that the contemporary leather and kink scene is more a collection of loosely aligned networks than a monolithic community. BDSM practitioners, pups and Handlers, fisters, gear fetishists, and other permutations of sexual outsiders primarily socialize with others who share their niche interests.
Only occasionally do the networks gather to commune when it suits their needs. Accepting this reality is key to understanding how we can best build social capital (community).
So, what is it we want to build across these networks to encourage community among the radical sex networks. Four things go into creating community: accepting differences; establishing trust; identifying common interests (needs, objectives and projects); and systems of communication and collaboration.
Leatherfolk and kinksters often operate under the assumption that we are all basically alike. We think we: like the exact same types of sex and erotic play; do sex, play and relationships similarly; like the same types of erotic garb; have the same cultural mores and rituals; and all position our kink identifies within the rest of our lives similarly.
None of this is universally true. We might have strong similarities, but every single person does all of that somewhat differently. We need to accept this reality if we're ever going to get along, let alone build community. Step one in building community? Embrace diversity. Judge others less.
Trust is a simple concept, but not always easy in the execution. To trust is to believe in the reliability, ability and truthfulness of a person or organization. Step two? Give no one a reason to distrust you or your club, group, organization or business.
The identification of common interests is something we don't always do. There is the mistaken view that everyone under the leather or kink umbrella terms have similar interests. That might have been truer in the past when leather was easier to equate with those who shared a few specific erotic interests, but not today. Today we are increasingly split into subsets of the larger kink whole and that trend is continuing.
I think it behooves us to identify the "actual" areas of mutual interest and not assume what's important to me is necessarily important to you. This takes a lot of discussion and getting honest with ourselves about reality versus fantasy. Different people and groups may need and want different things. This seems difficult for many to accept, but accept it we must.
If a women's group needs their own women-only space, let them have it. If someone needs certain guidelines in place at a play party to feel safe, see if you can accommodate them without stepping on other people's needs. If an organization starts a project they feel will serve many people, offer assistance even if you're not sure you will benefit as much as others. Step three? Help others get their needs met while staying true to yours.
None of this can happen unless we communicate and collaborate. It's ultimately about people talking together, calm, with an attitude of mutual support. No yelling. No snide snipes at dissenting opinions. No soapboxing. Simply talk. Trying to actually understand what others are saying.
These days we "talk" in many ways. Face-to-face talk is the ideal. Nothing replaces that. If you have to leverage technology for communications, use video conferencing. Seeing the other person makes a difference in true understanding. Phone calls and voice conferencing work well too. Email is useful, especially when people need to take time to craft their responses. Remember, not everyone feels comfortable with the written form. Give those folks ways to ensure their voices are heard.
One can't discuss communication and collaboration without mentioning social media. Younger kinksters seem capable of using these mechanisms, but us older folks are coming around. Still, I'm astonished how often people don't utilize social media adequately. Take the time to learn how to use social media to organize and promote.
Of course, building community is not just about committees, boards, clubs and organizations. All those are useful. However, real community is more a bottom up (no, not that kind of bottom) as it is a top down exercise. Individuals and their circle of friends can build their own micro community. Put together strong micro communities and you have a strong larger community. Think of micro communities as the building blocks of the larger community. Nurture the smaller to create the bigger.
Here in the San Francisco Bay Area we are extremely lucky to have one of the best leather and kink communities I've experienced. We seem to have figured out how to do this thing I'm calling building community. The various genders, orientations and interest groups have figured out how to claim their own spaces and events while still being part of the larger whole.
With all that said, what are some practical ways to build community? And when I say building community, I mean for yourself as well. Not just for the larger community. I could list a whole lot of suggestions here, such as hosting a dinner party, committing to attending local kink events, volunteering to help an organization or event, and much more. However, let me use one recent local event as an example of a clever community building exercise that touches lots of the bases I'd cover with other examples.
Every year the Golden Gate Guards produces their Golden Dildeaux Awards. It's a silly set of awards with a couple dozen competition categories such as who has the best looking ass, who is the best leather fashionista, who has the deepest deep throat, and so on.
The entire community can nominate people and the entire community can vote. Each $1.00 contribution counts as one vote with no limit to the number of votes. Proceeds go to the fundraising cause.
Here's why I think it's such a brilliant community event. It's unique (too many events are carbon copies of others). It's fun (it does not take itself too seriously). Everyone can participate (it can engage everyone). It celebrates diversity (the range of categories fosters that). It builds trust in the Golden Gate Guards (they handle the event beautifully). It raises money (passively, without intrusion). Candidates self-promote in fun ways on social media (fosters communication and social engagement). It brings people together (the awards ceremony is a low key affair held in a bar and anyone can attend). The ceremony itself has lots of breaks (gives people the time to actually converse and socialize). It promotes the club (without hitting people over the head with promotion). It potentially elevates everyone to the spotlight (anyone can be nominated, anyone can win).
What ideas do you have to build leather and kink community, both for yourself and for the overall local and national scene? Let's keep this conversation going!
Race Bannon is a local author, blogger and activist. You can reach him his website, www.bannon.com.
Leather Events, May 15-30, 2015
There's always a lot going on in the San Francisco Bay Area for leather and other kinksters.
Fri 15
IML Send Off Party for our Mr. SF Leather 2015 Trevor Black @ Lookout
Help send off Trevor with a little travel money and good luck as he competes for International Mr. Leather Memorial Day Weekend in Chicago. 3600 16th St., 9pm.
Sober Kink Together @ Castro Country Club
Officially a CMA meeting, but open to all Anonymous 12-step Fellowship members, 4058 18th St., 9:30pm.
Gear Party @ 442 Natoma
Gear play party (leather, rubber, harnesses, etc.) for gay men. 442 Natoma St., $15 (requires $5 membership), 10pm. www.442parties.com/
Sat 16
Mock Tails Social @ Stompers Boots
Come out for our first 2015 Social Sober Event. A fundraiser to support future events. 323 10th St., 7pm.
Device @ SF Eagle
Leather, BDSM, Fetish, Industrial, Techno, Electro, Noise. 398 12th St., 9pm. www.sf-eagle.com
The Leather Social - San Francisco Edition! @ SF Eagle
Gear up, get out of the house and hang out with other leathermen in a cigar-friendly space. The intended focus is just to meet up. 398 12th St., 9pm.
Sun 17
Leathermen's Discussion Group Beerbust @ SF Eagle
Join the San Francisco Leathermen's Discussion Group for their beerbust. 398 12th St., 3pm. www.sfldg.org
IML Send Off Social for Mr. Alameda County Leather 2014 @ World Famous Turf Club
Please join ACLC in support of Al Parso, Mr. Alameda County Leather 2014 as we send him off to compete at IML. 22519 Main St., Hayward, 3pm.
Mon 18
Ride Mondays @ Eros
A motorcycle rider and leathermen night at Eros, bring your helmet, AMA card, MC club card or club colors and get $3 off entry or massage. 2051 Market St. www.erossf.com
Wed 20
Handball Academy Program @ Center for Sex & Culture
The Magic of the Enema. Ben Pattee will lead us through discovering and utilizing the enema from the practical to the sublime and as a form of sexual expression. 349 Mission St., 7:30pm. www.handballacademy.org
Fri 22
Sober Kink Together @ Castro Country Club
Officially a CMA meeting, but open to all Anonymous 12-step Fellowship members, 4058 18th St., 9:30pm.
Gear Party @ 442 Natoma
Gear play party (leather, rubber, harnesses, etc.) for gay men. 442 Natoma St., $15 (requires $5 membership), 10pm. www.442parties.com/
Mon 25
Ride Mondays @ Eros
A motorcycle rider and leathermen night at Eros, bring your helmet, AMA card, MC club card or club colors and get $3 off entry or massage. 2051 Market St. www.erossf.com
Tue 26
GameGear @ Wicked Grounds
Game night hosted by Rubber Men of San Francisco. 289 8th St., 7:30pm. www.rmsf.org
Wed 27
Leathermen's Discussion Group @ Mr. S Studio
Sex Panic - The Real History Behind the San Francisco Bathhouse Closures. 385A 8th St., 7:30pm. www.sfldg.org
Leather/Gear Buddies @ Blow Buddies
Erotic fun for leather and gear guys, $15, 933 Harrison St., 8pm. www.blowbuddies.com
Fri 29
Sober Kink Together @ Castro Country Club
Officially a CMA meeting, but open to all Anonymous 12-step Fellowship members, 4058 18th St., 9:30pm.
Gear Party @ 442 Natoma
Gear play party (leather, rubber, harnesses, etc.) for gay men. 442 Natoma St., $15 (requires $5 membership), 10pm. www.442parties.com/
Sat 30
Knotty Puppy! The Fun and Frisky Side of Bondage @ SF Eagle
Exploring rope bondage in a fun and safe environment. 398 12th St., 3pm. www.wagzpack.org
The 15 Association Men's Play Party @ Alchemy
A men's BDSM play party during their Associate's Weekend. 1060 Folsom St., 8pm. www.the15sf.org