Over the years, I've become aware of the difficulties some kinksters with disabilities deal with while trying to fully participate in our scene. I realize I run the risk of appearing to speak for such people by writing this column, but I absolutely do not.
What I do hope is that we all increase our awareness and, when possible, our accommodation for people with such challenges so that as many of our entire kink, kink-curious and sexually adventurous family can best engage with the entire range of what we do and who we are.
Per the 2010 U.S. Census, about 57 million people in our country (19 percent of the population) had a disability that year, according to a broad definition of disability, with more than half of them reporting the disability was severe. It's likely about the same today.
That's a lot of our LGBTQ leather and kink brethren who face potential obstacles to social interaction and play. I think it's incumbent upon each of us to do what we can to make our scene as accessible and fun for everyone.
Last week, the San Francisco Leathermen's Discussion Group hosted a presentation by Daniel Sonnenfeld, International Mr. Deaf Leather 1996, titled 'Learn Kinky Sign Language and More About Disabilities to Help Get You Laid.'
I attended Daniel's presentation, which was full of great advice on how to accommodate, interact with and play with people with disabilities. I asked him for some basic advice on how we can adjust our venues, events, social interaction and play to offer better opportunities.
"Getting to know a person with disability is just like with everyone," he said. "Focus on us as people. Start up the conversation with the simple stuff. Find out what kinds of activities they like, and what previous kink experiences (if any) they enjoyed. Be aware of assumptions. We all have our biases, conscious and otherwise. Don't overestimate or underestimate our capabilities. Ask about any limitations and concerns, and have fun, play and be creative.
"Make kinky spaces accessible," Sonnenfeld added. "Someone who is deaf or hard of hearing will be visually oriented, and a well-lit play space is a big plus. Think about adapting safe words. For a person who can't hear, use hand signals or an object that can be held and dropped, like a handkerchief."
In addition to what Daniel offered, there was a lot of other great information in Daniel's presentation; so much information that it doesn't do full justice to it to encapsulate it here. But I think it has such value that it's worth trying. I've also added some input from other kinksters with disabilities I've chatted with over the years.
Be open minded and accepting. An open and accepting mind is more likely to generate more empathy for the challenges some in our kink communities face.
Try to overcome your fears of engaging with a person with a disability.
If you're the top in a play situation, communicate at each step over the course of the scene. Always ensure the bottom is comfortable asking for information from you and figure out a clear communication mechanism to allow for that in both directions.
Attendees at the SF Leathermen's Discussion Group event about kink and disabilities broke out into smaller group in which they learned basic ASL (sign language) to communicate with the hearing impaired in kink situations. photo: Erik Will
Encourage and make it safe for people in social situations, attending events, and in play situations to disclose any specific needs, limitations or concerns they might have and work together to accommodate them.
Never patronize. Don't assume someone's difference makes them a bottom, or a top.
Don't assume it's okay, or not okay, to fetishize someone's disability.
To the greatest extent possible, make play spaces accessible to the widest range of disabilities you can. Consider offering play space tours in advance so people with disabilities can learn how to navigate the space later and possibly offer suggestions on how to make it more accessible.
Sadly, play spaces are often constrained by the real estate and design configuration they're given. Retrofitting a space isn't always an option. But there are still things one can do to improve accessibility at least somewhat.
The same accessible space needs apply to all spaces too; bars, events, venues, classrooms, clubhouses, and so on. In San Francisco many of our spaces are older and have a small square footage footprint. Thus, configuring them for full accessibility can be difficult and the costs for doing so can sometimes be astronomical.
Still, spaces do try and do what they can. When the San Francisco Eagle remodeled their bar after it was purchased by the most recent owners, they installed an accessible bathroom and moved the main bar so that it was easier for a wheelchair and those who need more space to walk to use the area.
Another SoMa bar, The Hole in the Wall, in its newer space, has two accessible bathrooms and a wide floor plan.
One specific space improvement suggestion that pops up a lot is improved lighting, either in the entire space or designated areas. For the visually impaired, the better lighting makes the space less treacherous to navigate. For the hearing impaired, it allows them to better read lips which is more difficult in low light environments.
Remember, not all impairments are visible. Ambulatory issues are easier to spot, but things like cognitive issues, someone being on the autism spectrum, with sensitivities to fragrances or smells, or having an issue like epilepsy (for which others need to be alerted) aren't something you can see visually. Reach out to those in your social circle or those coming to your events and ask about such things. Be enthusiastic about asking. Let people know you truly want the best environment for everyone, when feasible.
As I've chatted with various kinksters with challenging situations that keep them from fully engaging with the rest of the scene, I've also come to realize not everyone sees their situation as a disability, or the language we sometimes use isn't well received. I hope all of us will keep learning how to best discuss this extremely important topic.
What I've mentioned here is but the tip of the iceberg in terms of disability issues and the solutions to improving access. If this column does nothing more than continue this discussion, it's done its job. Because this is something that needs to consistently stay on our radar.
I'd like to also offer an idea to the various kink venues, producers, clubs and organizations in the area. Consider appointing a disability adviser on your staff, organizing committee, production crew or board of directors. This would provide an informed person to advise on such matters and this could potentially greatly improve participation of kinksters with disabilities in our scene.
Let's all do our best to make what we do as accessible to as many kinksters and those who mingle with us as possible. There will at times be limitations to what we can do because of space constraints, money or other factors, but we should certainly do what we can.
Race Bannon is a local author, blogger and activist. You can reach him on his website, www.bannon.com