One of the most common questions I get from people is "how do I learn about kink?"
That's a rather broad question with no definitive answer and I typically follow up with other questions.
What specifically do you mean by kink? Why do you want to learn about it? Do you want to engage in kinky sex yourself or do you just want to learn about it as a point of interest? If you want to explore, are you doing so solo or with a partner?
The answers to these and other follow up questions establish the framework from which a decent answer can be given to the original question.
Just as often I'm asked how to learn about a specific kink. Most of the same follow up questions apply.
With that said, since there are lots of ways to approach learning about kink, I'd like to offer a few starter suggestions to give a newcomer.
The topic of learning, and how we learn best, is one near and dear to my heart. It's been part of my professional life for a long time and I even wrote a book titled "The Art of Self-Education: How to Get a Quality Education for Personal and Professional Success Without Formal Schooling" on the topic (e-book available on Amazon).
How we learn and the best approaches to learning are something I know quite a bit about. I say that not to sell books (although that's always nice), but to position what I'm about to say as having some weight not just as a kinkster who has taught hundreds of educational sessions over the past 30-plus years, but also as someone who stays abreast of research and practices on how we learn best.
As with all of life, one size does not fit all when it comes to learning styles. Some people like to read. Some like to take classes. Some like to watch videos. Some like one-on-one instruction. Some learn best through problem solving.
I don't think there's one way that's superior to them all except for the way or ways that work best for you.
Yes, learning research suggests certain approaches often work better than others. But when the rubber hits the road, it's ultimately about what works, for you, no one else. Only you can know how you learn best.
When it comes to kink though, we need to parse out two distinct types of learning - knowledge and skills.
There are certain things one needs to know to navigate the world of kink. How do kink social mores function? Where does one go to find kindred kinky compatriots, online or in person, and how can one be sure they're authentic and trustworthy? How does one discuss kink proclivities with an otherwise non-kinky partner? How do power dynamic relationships operate? And so on. This is the information side of kink.
Information is something one can generally read about or discuss with those experienced in the topic without necessarily having to dive into the actual doing of it. Such information gives one a good foundation upon which to build your adventurous kinky pursuits.
There's an old saying in sexuality circles; where the mind goes, the body eventually follows.
Kink, indeed all sexuality, starts in the brain before it manifests as anything physical. So, giving yourself some solid, basic information as fodder from the start is vital.
For this type of information there are a plethora of resources. Enter relevant keywords into a search engine and you'll see an abundance of books, websites, publications, clubs and organizations, classes, articles and blogs about all aspects of kinky sex such as BDSM, roleplay, fetishes, and a lot more.
In addition to learning resources you can access easily on your own, locally in the Bay Area we have an abundance of riches for procuring this information directly from experienced sources. Check out the learning offerings at Wicked Grounds, Society of Janus, The Exiles, and San Francisco Leathermen's Discussion Group, among others. One can attend many of their presentations and discussions and come away with a vast array of information that will serve your kink explorations well.
Then comes the actual doing of the kink; the hands on, so to speak.
How do you tie someone up? How do you best wield a flogger to extract optimal pleasure? How do you best approach fisting someone? When it comes to such sexual skills, this is where I part company with many of my peers. I think attending most classes and discussions are only minimally effective in learning such things.
The nature of skills is that they typically require repeated practice to do them well, or in some cases safely at all. While one might walk away from a discussion on leather and kink scene cultural norms and practices with a decent understanding of that landscape, you're not going to walk away from a class in which you simply watch someone do something like complex bondage or flogging and be anywhere near proficient at it.
Much of BDSM and other kink requires extensive practice, often guided by someone with a lot of experience in that area. The idea of a mentor permeates the kink scene and it's a worthy concept. Find yourself mentors who can guide you in these more detailed practices so that you do them safely and pleasurably. Mentors can be anyone with experience who you trust, and with whom you have open communication channels.
I think it happens best during the time one plays. It's during the act of engaging in kinky sex itself that one can best explore these areas of technical (and mental) play. It's the bedroom or playroom where the real, in-depth kink technique learning takes places.
Find play partners with whom you resonate, who either have the experience you seek, or who are willing to collaborate with you on mutual explorations and learning.
Once more, though, I'm going to part with many of my kinky cohorts and suggest you not just grab anyone to explore and learn. I think having at least a modicum of erotic connection matters. If one's going to investigate the sexual, I think it is best done with people with whom you connect with sexually, or at least erotically.
Yes, you can go through the motions of connecting chain A to shackle B with anyone, but is that really the point? Isn't the entire reason we do this thing we do to foster and build connections? Should that not be the same when we explore our sexualities?
There may be times when more anonymous kink workshop pairings are necessary, but I believe those means of learning should always take a back seat to intimacy and connection.
Just know that ultimately you direct your learning and you should align your learning opportunities with how you learn best and ideally with people that you share some mutual erotic connection. When you do, the learning just sort of happens in a beautiful way.
Race Bannon is a local author, blogger and activist. You can reach him through his website, www.bannon.com