The Queen Mother by William Shawcross (Knopf) is a royal monster of a book at 1,096 pages, which will set you back $40 at an old-fashioned book shoppe if you can still find one. It's the official, definitive biography of Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, consort of King George VI, mother of Queen Elizabeth II, grandmother of Prince Charles, and great-grandmum of humpy Princes William and Harry. It comes with 40 pages of photographs, intricately diagrammed family trees, and extensive notes and patronage charts. Out There went cherry-picking through the index, itself 37 pages, in search of its juiciest items.

"Among her fellow guests at Fairlawne were the film star Elizabeth Taylor, Noel Coward and the historian Elizabeth Longford and her husband Frank, the Labour peer, who lived near by. Once when Coward was at Fairlawne the Cazalets invited to lunch a couple they had met in Tahiti; the wife's father had written about the mutiny on the Bounty. They presented the Queen Mother with a Cartier box. Its contents were unexpected: a nail from the Bounty. Never at a loss at such moments, she received it with her usual charm. Afterwards, Noel Coward teased her for the way she had exclaimed in tones of wonderment, 'Oh, a nail!' 'as if it was a Crown Jewel!'

"At Coward's weekends there would always be at least one singsong around the piano. Queen Elizabeth, like everyone else, loved Coward's affectionate parodies of British manners. Particular favourites were 'Mad Dogs and Englishmen Go Out in the Midday Sun,' 'The Stately Homes of England' and 'Don't Let's Be Beastly to the Germans.'"

On a goodwill tour of the colonies, the Queen Mother abhorred American dining habits. Eating in public "really is a nightmare, & they give one gigantic bits of meat, bigger than this sheet of paper, pra

Charisma Carpenter (Triana) and Tabrett Bethell (Cara) in Legend of the Seeker. Photo: ABC Studios

ctically raw, & then instead of gravy, they pour a little blood over it. Oh boy."

Before we get royally carried away, let's just state that Out There is not one of those queens who romanticize this or any other Royal Family. Let's not forget that the Monarchists of the British Isles are more likely, by any measure, to be reactionary in their social views than progressive. Shawcross reminds us that in the Swinging 60s, "the Royal Family was judged remote by the vanguard of the London-led cultural revolution. But others, less enamoured of the new standards with which society was experimenting, saw the monarchy and particularly Queen Elizabeth as symbols of the tried and traditional values of Britain."

We're not ashamed to be dissin' on the QM, because we're quite sure the feeling is mutual. "When first shown the detailed programme for the day, which included meeting journalists at the UN, she had commented, 'How ghastly.'"

Rocket man

From one queen to another: celebrity biographer Mark Bego has just published Elton John : The Bitch Is Back (Phoenix Books), and promises it's no hagiography. "Previous books have handled his life with kid gloves, nearly making him into a tasteful 21st century George Gershwin. In reality, Elton's life more closely parallels that of Oscar Wilde. He has been wild, glitzy, boozy, bawdy and unconventional. This is the book that every Elton John fan has been waiting for. It is filled with all of the addictions, the self-doubts, bad toupees, affairs and scandals." Elton was hospitalized last weekend with the flu, and cancelled a string of concert dates in the US and UK. Get well, El!

Sword play

Screen actress Charisma Carpenter (Buffy, Angel, Veronica Mars) guest stars in the premiere episode of syndicated action series Legend of the Seeker, launching the weekend of Nov. 7. Carpenter portrays a Mord'Sith named Triana who has a strong allegiance to the series' villain, Darken Rahl. As a member of this sisterhood of powerful and feared women, Triana challenges the authority of her fellow Mord'Sith, Cara (Tabrett Bethell), but, according to executive producer Ken Biller, she can only do so by feigning loyalty (as seen in the intimate moment captured in the accompanying photo) and pretending to follow Cara's orders. Created by Xena: Princess Warrior team Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert, Legend of the Seeker combines fantasy, adventure, magic and romance (plus lesbian titillation) as it brings to life Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth novels.

Bernstein tribute

Jamie Bernstein, the eldest daughter of composer Leonard Bernstein, will celebrate her father's musical legacy in an evening of song and storytelling presented by Stanford Lively Arts on Sat., Nov. 7, 8 p.m. at Dinkelspiel Auditorium on the Stanford campus. The tribute concert, A Portrait of Leonard Bernstein, will feature pianist/conductor Michael Barrett, New York Festival of Song vocalists Judy Kaye and William Sharp, and pianist David Shimoni.

Ms. Bernstein's narration will combine "frank and funny" anecdotes with plot synopses, musical insights, and a glimpse of the creative process behind some of her father's most memorable musical theater works, including West Side Story, Candide, On the Town, Wonderful Town, Trouble in Tahiti, the lesser-known Songfest poem cycle, and one of the composer's final works, Arias and Barcarolles. For tickets and more information, call (650) 725-ARTS, or go to www.livelyarts.stanford.edu.